Who Cares vs. Kill Me Now

Apparently Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton both showed up to the same club the other night, despite the fact that they hate each other (and despite the fact that I hate them both). TMZ reports that lines are being drawn in the ranks of celebrities who shouldn't be allowed to live. For instance, Paris was spotted hobnobbing with Jack Osbourne, Kimberly Stewart, Ryan Seacrest, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Lance Bass, JC Chasez and Joey Fatone. Lindsay, on the other hand, was spotted with Ashlee "I'm Jessica's Sister" Simpson, Pete "Who the Hell Is Pete Wentz?" Wentz, and Kim "My Father Kept OJ Simpson out of Jail" Kardashian. Sure, Lindsay's reported army was smaller, but let's be honest--none of Paris's crew is exactly intimidating.

I'd really like to see where some tougher stars weigh in on this. I'd like to see a profanity-laden rant from Joe Pesci telling us why he prefers Lindsay to Paris. Maybe Russell Crowe could punch Lindsay Lohan in the face while Paris Hilton claps and giggles. Anything to spice it up, really. Because as it stands, this story makes me want to cut myself. Lindsay left after five minutes, and Paris sat in the back of the bar texting people. That really makes me wonder where this ignorant trollop got such a reputation as a party girl. Where I come from, bars are for drinking. Of course, where I come from, churches and McDonald's restaurants are for drinking, too, so I may not be the best judge.

This brings up an interesting point, though, which is this: I hate Paris Hilton. I know this doesn't make me some sort of maverick, and I don't expect any of you to call me some sort of visionary for it. But I like to think I've taken it to a whole new level. I hate Paris Hilton so much that I believe outlandish things as long as they make her look bad. If Mel told me that Paris Hilton killed her dad, I'd take it as the gospel truth, even though I know Mel's dad is alive and well. If she told me that Paris doesn't just have herpes, but that she is herpes, I'd nod my head and wonder why I hadn't seen it sooner.

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