Inside the Judge's Chambers...

*

Sug: Dude, you know who plays the bad guy in Die Hard 2?
Mel: Hans Gruber's relative of some sort?
Sug: No, that's in Die Hard 3.
Mel: Tell me.
Sug: I'm saying the actor.
It's fucking Death.
Mel: Die Harder really is a great name for a movie...
Death, like, "Don't overlook my butt" death?
Sug: Yep.
One and the same.
He was also in Shawshank. And The Green Mile.
Mel: Ever notice that EVERYone has Tales from The Crypt in their IMDB profile?
It's like they stick you in Tales From the Crypt when you haven't worked in awhile so you can keep your benefits, or something.
Sug: Do they still make those?
Mel: I have no idea.
I've just noticed it listed in the filmography of the last dozen people I've IMDBd.
It's a verb now.
Sug: I love IMDB.
I've loved it for, like, 8 years.
I pretty much go to it once or twice a day.
Mel: Even people that have no right having a profile have one.
Sug: Everydamnbody.
Oh snap! I didn't kow Carl Winslow was in Die Hard 2 as well.
It's like they just took everybody who survived the first one and stuck them in.
They put the man with no dick from Ghostbusters on the plane with Bruce Willis's wife.
Mel: And I bet at least one of those two people you listed was once on Tales from the Crypt.
That show makes Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon a snap.
Sug: I thought you're not supposed to use TV.
Mel: Everyone has their own rules, it's like beer pong.
Sug: Ha!!!!!
Mel: I'll even allow real world relations...like, if you can get to Kyra Sedgwick, you win. They're married.
Sug: They were BOTH on an episode of Tales from the Crypt.
Mel: How fucking amazing is that?
Sug: It's goddamn uncanny.
Mel: That show is like the baseboard to the role of Man #2 in coffee shop.
Which of course leads to "helpful policeman".
And, ultimately, "man in bar #2".
Which is not to be confused to man #2 in coffee shop.
Coffee shop work is for amateurs.
Sug: Well, kids can get into coffee shops.
Bar work proves you're grown up.
You're super grown-up if the credit is "topless woman #2 in bar".
Mel: And you've made the big-time when you land the lap dancer role.
Only the REALLY talented Tales from the Crypt cast-offs get to slug trail the supporting male lead's chinos.
Sug: Dennis Franz is in Die Hard 2, but he was never in Tales from the Crypt. Neither was Presidential candidate Fred Thompson.
I hate that you used the term "slug trail," and I hate that I know what it means.
Mel: Think twice before getting another lapdance, Sug
They don't make a woolite for that.
Sug: Did I ever tell you BOB'S** story about his glasses?
Mel: No.
Sug: He was drunk at a strip club his freshman year in college.
Stripper came up to him, took his glasses off of his face, folded them up, inserted them, took them out, put them back on his face, and said, "Now you'll be seeing pussy all night."
Mel: inserted...I hope he threw them out.
Seriously.
I would have punched her.
Sug: He didn't.
Mel: He SHOULD have punched her.
That's a whole new level of disgusting.
Sug: In fact, as he told it, he didn't wash them.
Mel: ...
He wore her gonorrhea.
Sug: I sometimes wonder why I'm friends with BOB.
Mel: I do too, Sug.
I'm going to leave now.
I'm going to get onion rings and a milk shake.
Sug: Good effing idea.
Mel: You...you stay away from BOB.

*Irrelevant clip from The Office.
**Name changed to protect the innocent and likely diseased.