Thank you for that.. erm.. rousing(?) introduction, Sug. But yes, t'is I, Z-grade internet celebrity and snarkmaster to the stars, Ranheru Van Zant, busting all up in your face; not unlike an angry black man hatching out of a basketball in a vaguely racist Gatorade commercial.
Or, you know.. Ron Jeremy on money shot day.
But speaking of the Hedgehog, let's holy-crap-get-to-business by mentioning the passing of a friend of his.
Tammy Faye Baker-Messner, pictured above in better days when she was only "normal" scary looking, appeared on Larry King Live last week to announce her offer of a reward for information leading to the arrest of a young Kansas girl named Dorothy Gale (and her little dog, too), then promptly dropped dead over the weekend. For those of you who missed Tammy's Larry King piece, let me inform you of everything you need to know about it:
She looked like death warmed over. She weighed 65 pounds, and sounded like Michael Jackson after a neutering. In fact, I'm fairly certain she was already dead, and it just took her until after the interview to realize it.
Now, Tammy Faye died of cancer. I'm somewhat familiar with cancer, since several people I care about have had bouts with it. Is that gonna stop me from making jokes, though?
Hell no.
But my issue here isn't with Tammy Faye, but with her timing. She goes on Larry King, gets her skeletal, nightmare-inducing-for-an-entire-generation-of-America's-children face plastered all over the "entertainment news" programs, then JUST HAPPENS to croak while everyone's talking about her?
This strikes me as a bit shady. I can't help but picture her going down in an "I'm still big, it's the X that got small!" style, hand on the forehead drama queen pose, while her dutiful husband/butler/whoever lovingly and firmly placed the pillow over her face while weeping silent tears and mouthing "Goodbye, mistress. Goodbye, my old friend." over and over.
But even more mystifying.. why were entertainment news programs even covering this? It's not like Tammy Faye had a hot new album about to drop or anything. She was a skinny, tumor ridden lich in an eye-jarring wardrobe whose only real claim to fame was mascara falling down her face like twin waterfalls and her ex-husband boffing the help while embezzling the "church" they'd worked so hard to build.
When a "celebrity" death is as well timed as this, you can't help but wonder if it wasn't some sort of stunt. It's just like how Anna Nicole ODed while "mourning" for months on end over her dead son, who just happened to have the SAME NAME her something-month-old daughter had. I mean, come on.. if you're dumb enough to name your kids "Daniel Lynn" and "Danni Lynn", I'm pretty sure one dying on the day the other's born is God's way of keeping you from spreading around the stupid too much.
And is it just me, or did the whole Anna Nicole-Daniel mother/son relationship seem to have a bit of an... incestuous.. funk.. about it? Maybe they were just really close, but god damn, it sure seemed to me like something weird was going on there.
But just like Tammy Faye.. Anna Nicole was something of a non-issue, until a sudden media frenzy erupted about her shortly before her death. Tammy Faye was a TV schiester who hadn't seen the spotlight in 20 years, and Anna Nicole was a vapid cum dumpster who wore out her welcome 10 years ago. Their deaths should have been/should be little more than a footnote, but instead, we got/will get months of coverage detailing every moment of their miserable final weeks.
Shady conspiracy by the entertainment news industry, or strange coincidence? You decide.
But hey, at least Tammy and Anna had the good graces to make the news, then die. Unlike Lindsey/Britney/Paris/Nicole... who just keep going and going and going like some kind of crack filled Energizer Ho-bunnies.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: R.I.P Tammy Faye, just please.. take your media spotlight with you.
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