I'm sure just about everyone has heard about this by now, but evidently, Britney Spears-Federline (shown above apparently doing her best bald Rosie impersonation) is now going around threatening to kill photographers who invade the personal space of her bodyguard's punchin' hand.
Rather than crack jokes about Brit's growing list of back up for an insanity defense, or making wisecracks about whether or not celebrity bodyguards get paid extra for going into roid rage on the job, I'm going to be a better person. I'm going to reach out, and say what everyone else is thinking.
Britney... this is your internet intervention.
Now now, sit down, darlin'. This'll only take a minute. I'm not gonna rag on you or anything, we just need to talk, okay? Get yourself a nice iced tea or something and have a seat.
Alright, y'all comfy, hun? Okay. Now, listen. You need to chill out, okay hun? Yes, yes, I know you're having a rough time lately, with the divorce from that guy no one had ever heard of before you married him, and the pictures of your snatch all over the internet and all. No, no... Britney, no.
Settle down, sugar, and listen. I'm just telling it like it is. Think of me as your personal Dr. Phil, only with more hair and less self-righteousness. Jury's still out on which of us is more full of shit, though.
See, there, you're smiling! That's a good start. Now, let's get down to business, because I know you're a busy girl. Are you listening? Brit, look me in the eye, baby. YOU. NEED. TO. RE. LAX!
I dunno, girl. You're the star, you've got houses everywhere and more money than I'll ever see. Go to Bali and lounge around on the beach for a month or something. Take some time off, grow your hair out, and stop being a crazy wench. That last part is key.
Look at that picture of you up there, all bald-headed and swelled up like a monkey. You used to be pretty, girl. First time I saw the video for "Hit me baby one more time", and you were shaking your thing in that little schoolgirl get-up, I got a little happy in the pants. I'm a big enough man to admit that. Then you went through your little stripper phase; and I'll admit, I might have pounded one (or five) out to that video of you ripping your clothes off on that MTV awards show. Yeah, yeah, I'm easily aroused, but still... you used to have it going on, honey.
But then you got married, and you had a couple babies, and now you're just getting all... weird. I'm not even gonna razz you for not being in shape. God knows I'm gonna be fighting any orcs for Sparta. But honey... seriously.. you've gone from "Vaguely hot slutty girl" to "That crazy skank who stands on the corner barking at passing cars like a dog."
So what you need to do, is take a little time, get yourself sorted out. Grow your hair back out, do something about those bags under your eyes, maybe stop hitting the appletinis so hard... No, no... Britney, come on honey, no one's gonna steal your babies. It'll be okay, I promise. You quit worrying your little head about that, because it's not gonna happen. Just take some time off, out of the spotlight, take care of them babies, get your divorce all settled. Then, once you got yourself back together, you can make a nice comeback and everyone'll love you again.
Because girl, I gotta level with you... the more of this crazy shit you pull, like threatening to kill people and shit... yeah, that was bad, Britney. But anyways, the more of this stuff you do, the more likely Kevin's gonna be to get custody of those kids.
And trust me, baby, neither I nor anyone else I know wants that. Rest of us don't like that idea any more than you do. Mainly because it'll just mean we have to keep hearing about his sorry ass, but still..
But just... take a time out, that's all I'm saying, darlin'. You're not helping anyone, least of all yourself, with what you been doing lately. Yes, I know, you gotta go. That's fine, you just think about what I said, let it slosh in your brain there for awhile. I'll be here when you get back. And Britney... leave the umbrella at home, sugar.
Okay, take care of youself, honey. Have yaself a good one.
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