Brendan Fraser Is Horrifying

Brendan Fraser, shown above leering at you from across the room with his lifeless eyes, is horrifying. I'll admit, although I was never terribly impressed with his body of work (don't even get me started about how he dragged down Pauly Shore in Encino Man), I thought the guy always exuded a certain likeability. You know, that "I'd like to get a beer with him" quality that breeds great drinking buddies and horrible presidents. His guest turn on Scrubs was pretty wonderful, and would have made me cry if I had emotions.

But after having seen what he looks like before he kills, I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at him in the same way again. Others are talking about his stupendously bad hair, and in any other picture than the one on the left, that's what I'd be talking about, too. Somehow, though, I doubt it'll be the first thing on my mind when I find him standing in my doorway with an axe later tonight.

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Victoria Beckham is a Pig-Faced Alien

Victoria Beckham, shown above giving me funny-fitting pants instead of nightmares, evidently went shopping today. Whoop-de-doo. A rich woman who used to be hot but now looks like David Spade in a dress went shopping. News? I think not.



Seriously, though, does anybody find her attractive anymore? Besides maybe gay men who just pretend the boobs aren't there? I bet David Beckham can only have sex with her at night if there's old Spice Girls videos playing in the background.

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Judge This...

Buy three of Kurt Cobain's flannels, get the fourth free!- A Socialite's Life

Hold me, like you did by the documentary film shoot in Mexico; so long ago when there was nothing but our love. No politics, no plotting, no war.- Popsugar

Good Clean Fun: Kathy Griffin falls out of her car- Just Jared

Bruce Willis is sick of vaginas- ICYDK

Britney Spears is...oh, who the hell knows?- IDLYITW

Marisa Miller and possibly some of her nipple- Fatback and Collards

Pete Wentz is Ridiculous

Alright, I had to ask Ashlee who this guy is. I know him as the guy making Ashlee Simpson look pretty desperate (she's so pretty with that new face, she can do SO much better). Here's what I've learned:
1) He's in a band. Fall Out Boy. They had a song I really hated. I still really hate it, now a little bit more, having seen what follows here.
2) He still lives with his parents, even though he's 25-28.
3) He sent pictures of his dick to some girl, who in turn posted them on the internet (I've seen them. I giggled. Penises are funny).
4) The eyeliner is "totally hawt" (the gospel according to Ashlee).
5) OMG! Ashlee just gave me more. This "special" guy calls himself the makeout king and says anyone from the waist up is fair game. Awwww, they haven't made romance like that since the 50's.

I have all the necessary means to find out if any of this is true, but that's pretty much more than I could ever have needed to know about him. So here he is, explaining his guyliner. That is, explaining WHY he wears it (to test boundaries, says he...not because he's a cookie cutter little emo twat) and HOW to apply it. Did you hear me? A tutorial on how to apply guyliner. This is why my son isn't allowed access to the internet.
Ever.
Ever in life.
And also why when he gets older and asks why all of his friends have their own computers and things they call "screen names," I'll explain that his friends are from the devil and are using the magics.

I Smell a Pulitzer

TMZ reported a couple of days ago that Britney Spears (shown above at the third annual Jewish Skinheads for Smokers' Rights convention) is preparing to write a book about her experiences with Kevin Federline. The author editorializes that Britney's story has got all the elements to make a "sensational novel," and I can't disagree, except the "sensational" part, and likely the "novel" part.

Let's be honest here. Nobody thinks Britney Spears is actually going to write this book. At best, it'll be something that anybody could have written, given a few months of back issues of People, Us Weekly and The National Journal of Meaningless Shit. I do bet, though, that there was a funny exchange when Britney's agent told her how the book was going to be written.

Agent: We'll be using a ghostwriter.
Britney: I thought ghosts couldn't touch things. How's that gonna work?
Agent: No, that's not--
Britney: But Patrick Swayze learned how to do it in Ghost, so I guess it could work. I'm in.
Agent: I don't think you understand--
Britney: Is Casper booked?

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How Could This Possibly Go Wrong?

Sources this morning are all a-buzz with word that Roseanne Barr is the front runner to fill Rosie O'Donnell's spot on The View. Word should clearly emerge shortly that producers at The View have all fallen prey to my little game known locally as "How to Destroy a Morning Talk Show in 10 Days."

Other rumored front runners for the spot are Joan Rivers, Whoopi Goldberg, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Connie Chung. I...I'll comment on each of them individually should one of them win the spot. Right now we're talking about Mrs. Connor, y'hear?

Wanna know a secret? I sort of love Roseanne. That is, I enjoyed her program, and I remember being quietly amused at her singing of The Star Spangled Banner that got everyone up in a tizzy back in 1990. Twas funny. But really. Really. Does anyone think this is a good idea? Show of hands, c'mon, raise your hand if you think this is a good idea. See, that's what I thought, nobody thinks this is a good idea except that asshole in the back who raised his hand just to prove me wrong. Hey, fuck you, guy.

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Who Cares vs. Kill Me Now

Apparently Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton both showed up to the same club the other night, despite the fact that they hate each other (and despite the fact that I hate them both). TMZ reports that lines are being drawn in the ranks of celebrities who shouldn't be allowed to live. For instance, Paris was spotted hobnobbing with Jack Osbourne, Kimberly Stewart, Ryan Seacrest, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Lance Bass, JC Chasez and Joey Fatone. Lindsay, on the other hand, was spotted with Ashlee "I'm Jessica's Sister" Simpson, Pete "Who the Hell Is Pete Wentz?" Wentz, and Kim "My Father Kept OJ Simpson out of Jail" Kardashian. Sure, Lindsay's reported army was smaller, but let's be honest--none of Paris's crew is exactly intimidating.

I'd really like to see where some tougher stars weigh in on this. I'd like to see a profanity-laden rant from Joe Pesci telling us why he prefers Lindsay to Paris. Maybe Russell Crowe could punch Lindsay Lohan in the face while Paris Hilton claps and giggles. Anything to spice it up, really. Because as it stands, this story makes me want to cut myself. Lindsay left after five minutes, and Paris sat in the back of the bar texting people. That really makes me wonder where this ignorant trollop got such a reputation as a party girl. Where I come from, bars are for drinking. Of course, where I come from, churches and McDonald's restaurants are for drinking, too, so I may not be the best judge.

This brings up an interesting point, though, which is this: I hate Paris Hilton. I know this doesn't make me some sort of maverick, and I don't expect any of you to call me some sort of visionary for it. But I like to think I've taken it to a whole new level. I hate Paris Hilton so much that I believe outlandish things as long as they make her look bad. If Mel told me that Paris Hilton killed her dad, I'd take it as the gospel truth, even though I know Mel's dad is alive and well. If she told me that Paris doesn't just have herpes, but that she is herpes, I'd nod my head and wonder why I hadn't seen it sooner.

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Future Hiro is Hot

Yea, I said it. He is. I think it's the sword/soul patch combo. Anyway, here's three pretty sick scenes from chapter 20 of Heroes, due to air tomorrow night. If you're the sort of person who takes issue with spoilers making their way to the internet, fuck yourself.

HEROES - Chapter 20: Five Years Gone
Hiro and Ando find themselves five years after the destruction of New York City. People with extraordinary abilities are labeled as terrorists and are being registered, hunted, and killed. Hiro and Ando meet up with darker versions of the other heroes in preparation for a showdown with the President. This includes a darker side of Matt, a Jessica/Niki with a clear winner in their battle, a brown-haired Claire, and a man named Andy, who's a big hearted Texan. It also features an event at an upscale gentleman's club.

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Avril Lavigne Condescends to Japanese

Here's Avril Lavigne trying to perform an interview on Music Station, a long running Japanese music television program. Its entertainment value depends on your level of boredom. The entire awkward ordeal is about eight minutes long, but you should really really REALLY stop watching just as she starts performing. That is unless, of course, you're dying to know the lyrics to "Girlfriend," in which case you should watch and quickly scribble down the subtitles. You can also enjoy the same snortlaugh I did when she started doing the 80's steptouch + arm swing toward the end.



By no means should you miss the crowning point of the interview when she states in all seriousness how special and different the Japanese fans are, enunciating special and different in the same manner you would when speaking of your retarded cousin. I have no idea what the hosts are saying, but I'm reasonably certain that the one in the sunglasses called her a daft cunt at least twice. She haltingly answers questions which I assume are something along the lines of "how has your stay in Japan been," "how are you liking Japan," "what are your thoughts on Japan," and "do you like my sunglasses?" She says things like "I love it here," "I'm honored" and "crazy" while smiling uncomfortably and looking around constantly, no doubt on the watch for the ninjas. Aye indeed, 'ware the ninjas.

A Post About Tracy Morgan That We Forgot To Give a Title

TMZ has learned that Tracy Morgan, shown above looking awesome, has struck a plea bargain that will keep him out of jail for his November DUI bust in New York. Instead, Morgan will be fitted with a SCRAM (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring) device, which will relay information about whether or not he's clean and sober from vapors that come out of his pores.

Did you hear me? They're monitoring whether or not Tracy Morgan drinks by checking if alcohol vapors leak out of his ankle. I'm scared by the intrusion into people's drinking lives (my interpretation of the Declaration of Independence recognizes that the right to the Pursuit of Drunkenness is inalienable), but I'm stunned by the technology. Maybe next they can come up with some sort of earring that can tell if my roommate had Mexican food so I can know when to keep my distance.

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Obsessed Woman Attacks Sandra Bullock's Husband

According to TMZ, police sources have revealed that Sandra Bullock's husband, motorcycle magnate Jesse James, was "nearly killed" in an attack at their home late Sunday night.

Sandra and James' ten year-old daughter looked on as Marcia Valentine "attempted 3 or 4 times to run Jesse James over with her silver Mercedes." Though frightening, James was not struck during the ordeal. It is also alleged that Valentine "laid in the driveway and wouldn't move."

Orange County Sherrifs responded to the scene, but the alleged attacker fled before they arrived. Valentine was located and taken into custody Monday morning after a manhunt, and is being held on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon.

Jesus Christ. I think most people have pondered what it would be like to achieve a certain level of fame and recognition, but this is clearly the VERY dark side of it. This woman is said to be obsessed with Sandra Bullock. So obsessed that she attempted to KILL HER HUSBAND. Hell, I mean, she was decent in Speed and I hear those Miss Congeniality flicks were good for a laugh, but how do you develop this level of obsession for Sandra Bullock? In 2007? Stalking Sandra Bullock went out of style in 1994.

(all bitchiness aside, I am glad to hear that Bullock, James, and his daughter weren't physically harmed. Miss Congeniality 3 just wouldn't have the same appeal if they had to replace her with Tea Leoni).

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Hayden Panettiere is Sexy and Illegal

Hayden Panettiere, known as an actress with fabulous hair firstly and for licking strange objects secondly, has been listed among the ten sexiest women alive, according to British readers of FHM.

I'm not sure how entirely interesting or alarming this is. TMZ questions whether or not this ranking (she was ranked #6) is "hot" or "creepy". Eh...she's 17. It's not like we're talking about a twelve year old here. THAT would be icky. But seventeen is gosh darn close to being legal to the masses. I mean...there's a damn good reason they have an age of consent and a law for this sort of thing, you know. And that reason is that seventeen year-olds are hot and folks tend to want to sleep with them. Maybe I'll have a different take on this when Daniel Radcliffe is of consenting age and my Hogwarts-ridden fantasies aren't a badge of shame. Until then, I say good for Hayden (but please stop licking things).

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Joker Pics a Fake, Exclusive Interview With the Culprit

My inner geek rears it's ugly head again today, as I join the collective sigh of relief at the revelation that the Heath Ledger Joker pics "leaked" earlier this week from "The Dark Knight" are, in fact, fake.

In an exclusive interview Greg Smallwood, the prankster responsible for the doctored pics, explained his actions to Don't Judge Me. Smallwood, 25, is an aspiring artist and full-time banker in Kansas City. Mostly out of boredom on Sunday, he put together a fake pre-production picture and sent it to aintitcool.com with the following email:

Subject: Joker Pre-Production Art/Still
Not sure which. I'm really paranoid so I'm not sure what I can reveal other than I'm not sure of it's origins other than it is a photo and it is Ledger and it is him as Joker. It could be photoshopped pre-production art or it could be an actual still. I had two seconds to snap a picture and not much to really scan the wall it was on. The wall had mostly set design art, etc. There was this one though, the most eye-catching. I'm not making any assumptions other than it came from the people working on the film.

The purpose behind this initial pic (initially posted here on AICN) was to set the stage and story for the second picture to be sent later. The "talkbackers" on AICN took the initial picture as a faked still rather than proof-concept art by the makeup or design team, as was intended. Instead of giving up on his hoax, Greg took his next step as planned:

"No one at AICN e-mailed me back (even as they came under fire) to substantiate my story so, not being too worried, (I) e-mailed the second pic from a different e-mail address... It said something about a friend working security at the building where the WB temporary productions were set up in Chicago. I didn't get an e-mail back but, before I knew it, the pic was up on their site. And the rest is history.

I chose AICN because they seem to be the most gullible. I can't really say there was really a whole lot of reason behind it. I guess, like any artist, I want people to appreciate my work and I knew pretending the picture was real would be the sure-fire way to reach the largest audience. I figured, if anything, it would set a fire under the WB's ass to release official pics a little bit sooner. More or less, I just wanted to know if I could fool people. And that came from being really bored on a Sunday evening."

As tends to happen on the internet, the story and the picture spread, and quickly at that. Movie and gossip blogs picked up the buzz, and it eventually went so far that multiple webmasters were contacting Warner Bros to verify it's legitimacy. At this point, Greg came clean on Superherohype.com .

The aftermath of the ordeal has been mostly positive, says Greg, but plenty of fans have reacted in a strongly negative manner:

"A lot of people have referred to me as some fanboy with too much time on his hands. The fanboy part is right but the photoshopped picture really didn't take that long at all. Maybe two-three hours tops... I never thought the concept I presented would actually become such a basis for argument and discussion. I can't actually blame people for being underwhelmed by the design but I still stand by it as a good look for the Joker.

They claim I've hurt the buzz on the Dark Knight or that I've compromised internet journalism. As for the buzz, I'm pretty sure some little flash-in-the-pan fake picture will have little impact on how well the movie does. And for internet journalism, I hope I showed how much faster and more immediate it is than print. It's stuff like this that keeps internet movie sites going and print magazines like the now canceled Premiere from succeeding. Magazines and and print journalism generally just miss out on this kind of stuff."

I guess all I can really say is wow. I mean, I tend to lend my respect rather quickly to those that wreak havoc simply for havoc's sake. And that hasn't changed in this instance. That's one huge set of internet balls Mr Smallwood has demonstrated. I can understand the uproar it caused, though I'm not personally feeling uproarious about it at all. Had this been a fake Harry Potter pic, there'd be HELL to pay right now. And I mean that in the most serious possible sense. You screw around with my Harry Potter and I can't be held responsible for how I might react (don't look at me like that, he's nearly 18 and it's a perfectly healthy obsession). But since I walked away from this unscathed and giggling, I wish dear Greg the best of luck in his endeavors. He's currently working on his own comic, and has been featured previously in the Kansas City Star (little review of that gig can be found here and some additional artwork here)

Trump Claims Credit for Rosie's Departure

In one of those really classy and eloquent moments that come along so rarely in life, Donald Trump stated on Fox News this morning: "Rosie's a loser, she continues to be a loser, and she was fired by ABC, and I'm proud to say that I probably had a part in it."

Good God above, I can't wait for Ro to lash back and call him stinky, or possibly even spread around that he does indeed have the cooties. That would actually be amusing, if it wouldn't cause the inevitable panic of Melania running whilst screaming to the nearest emergency room begging for a cootie shot.

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Rosie's Outta There

In a just released statement, Rosie O'Donnell had the following to say regarding her departure from "The View":

"This has been an amazing experience, and one I wouldn't have traded for the world. Working with Barbara, Joy and Elisabeth has been one of the highlights of my career, but my needs for the future just didn't dovetail with what ABC was able to offer me. To all the viewers out there, I just want to say 'thank you' for opening up your hearts and your homes to me this past year. But you can always find me at rosie.com. Here's hoping there's more confetti for all of us going forward."

I love the shameless plug for her webiste at the end there. If you haven't been to Rosie.com yet or read the Rosie blog, save yourself the mental anguish and don't start now. It's an addictive trainwreck that will make you question your very humanity and wish possibly for the end of the internet itself just so you can stay away from the disaster. Having said that...I wish Rosie the best, and if you read "the best" as "I wish this woman would drown in a vat of marshmallow fluff so we never have to see or hear from her again" then you're thinking on my wavelength.

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"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" Trailer is So Freakin Awesome

I have a confession to make. Behind my bitchy highlighted label-whore exterior, I am one great big geek. A big geek who loves Harry Potter. I can't help it. I didn't want to love Harry Potter. My boyfriend told me it was better than The Dark Tower, so I started reading to prove him wrong. Instead, I fell in love. So imagine my excitement upon viewing the new international trailer this morning as I lay here upon my sick bed (superflu, y'all). Embrace your inner geek and check it out.

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Mischa Barton Looks Great! (from the neck up and the knees down)

So, Mischa Barton's trying out the high waist thing that even Jessica Simpson couldn't pull off earlier this week . I don't like it. Rather simple. She looks frumpy and the entire ensemble (save for those boots, which I covet) is grossly ill-advised. I hope and pray that there's just a rogue prankster salesgirl somewhere out there who got to Mischa and Jessica and talked them into this hideous would-be trend. I mean, this can't be our spring and summer fashion expectation, can it?

These shorts make me uncomfortable. Not while wearing them, because the last time I wore something with this waistline I believe I was seven, but mentally I am quite uncomfortable with them. I can recall when extreme low-rise pants came into fashion and I felt safe for a time, being 8 months pregnant at their genesis. But when I left that safe harbor, even as a size 4, I was so very scared. After a time I was able to embrace them, and admittedly I still love them. For a short girl like me, even though they give my legs the appearance of being precisely one foot long, I am comfortable and confident in how they make me and so many others look. Look at us and our hipbones, we are women! We have fabulous bellies and you can almost see our panties, don't ya know? And now this...now I'm expected to give up my elongated mid-section and embrace a look that requires my breasts to sit atop my belt and my ass to look increasingly like my grade school gym teacher's? Band with me girls and start the chant now: We will NOT wear high waisted pants! Give me exposed ass cracks or give me death!

Alec Baldwin is Sorry if He Offended You

Alec Baldwin yelled at his daughter, and he's really really sorry if it upset you. Well thank God for that.

In a statement released at alecbaldwin.com Baldwin lashed out at Kim Basinger and proceeded to apologize for losing his temper. Below is the statment in its entirety:

Thank you to everyone who has posted messages of suppport and understanding. Naturally, it is not best for a parent to lose their temper with their child. Everyone who knows me privately knows that I have endured a great deal over the last several years in my custody litigation. Everyone who knows me privately knows that certain people will go to any lengths to embarass me and to disrupt my relationship with my daughter.

In such public cases, your opponents attempt to take a picture of you on your worst day and insist that this is who you are as a person. Outside the doors of divorce court, I have friends, I have respect from people I work with and I have a normal relationship with my daughter. All of that is threatened whenever one enters a court room.

Although I have been told by numerous people not to worry too much, as all parents lose their patience with their kids, I am most saddened that this was released to the media because of what it does to a child. I'm sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand. ( Although I hope you never do.) I am sorry for what happened. But I am equally sorry that a court order was violated, which had deliberately been put under seal in this case.

Once my book is published, I'm sure more people will understand the incredible strains created by parental alienation.

In the meantime, I'm sorry to anyone who's taken offense from this episode.

So uh...yea. There's gonna be a book. I'm assuming the title will be "I'm an Overbearing Asshole of a Man" or something similar. You know, this has been a bad week for stars falling out of my good graces. I mean...he's the only good Baldwin left, and then THIS happens. And yes, I know, everyone loses patience with their children and we'd all be embarrassed to hear audio playback of ourselves losing our cool and blah blah blah...but c'mon. Seriously? If you heard a dad in Wal-mart calling their child a "thoughtless little pig" and threatening to "straighten your ass out," and closing it out with a hearty "you better be ready" you'd close the "terrible abusive parent" book on him pretty quickly. Why should it be different with Alec Baldwin? Oh, that's right. Because he's rich, funny, and apparently has a book deal to make this all alright. Let's just say that I've got a book deal too, so you should definitely excuse me when I say: Die in a fire, Alec Baldwin.

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Paris Hilton is Delusional

Paris Hilton is scared, y'all. Shoot, bitch could be goin' to jail, fo sho.
I'm trying out ghetto. Is it working? Was I believable as thuggish? I'm wearing big hoop earrings, if it helps. So, yea...

That first sentence has some truth to it. Paris Hilton is scared, and she could be going to jail. A source told Britain's More magazine: "Paris says if she goes to jail, even for just a day, her life will be over.

"She knows she'll lose a lot of work if she gets a reputation as someone who has done time. Her whole career is based on her image and maintaining a fan base - she has nothing else to rely on. She's petrified.

"She's the butt of quite a few jokes in Los Angeles these days and she hates it. She's been crying a lot, especially when she's been drinking, and is scared that her life is falling apart."

Hilton was placed on 36 months probation in January after pleading no contest to alcohol-related reckless driving. The following month she was stopped by police for driving without headlights, when the officers discovered she was driving on a suspended license. Paris could face up to 90 days in prison if found guilty of violating her probation. The stress of her impending sentence has apparently begun to affect her career.

"She's missed two club appearances in the past couple of weeks. People in the industry are taking her less seriously and she doesn't feel like she's Hollywood's Golden Girl any more.

"She's more alone than ever before right now and this could be one situation she can't charm her way out of," tattled the source.

I'm laughing. Is anyone else laughing? A chuckle? People are taking Paris Hilton LESS seriously? She's no longer Hollywood's Golden Girl? She can't charm her way out of something? She has a career? I'm not even sure what it is that Paris Hilton does. I am reasonably certain that opening clubs and looking vacant cannot be considered a "career". And when exactly has Paris ever charmed her way out of anything? If by "charm" we mean "acting like a total disgrace to her entire family and likely the human race", then I guess I have to agree. She's one hell of a charmer. 90 days in prison means 90 days that I won't have to hear about her or these repetitive actions over and over again every single day that make me want to bang my head against the wall until I bleed and can contemplate the color and texture of my own blood rather than wondering whether or not she's just a clever character designed by the very devil himself to drive me to the brink of suicide. So, yea, I vote jail. And in anticipation of those 90 lovely Paris free days, here are some bunnies (one of them is yawning, for crying out loud) that will make you smile and forget all about her.

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Donald Trump is Hilarious

I've stayed out of this long enough, and for good reason. Up until now it's just been two incredibly obnoxious people exchanging insults, neither gaining any ground nor making their own argument progress past the schoolyard level. And it's still right around that same level, but now it's been done in leather. Nice.

Donald Trump, earning my respect for the first time ever, recently sent the black leather getup that O'Donnell wore in her film "Exit to Eden" (pictured above) to Barbara Walters to hang on the office wall at "The View." Well played, Mr. Trump.

The garment- described as "a bustier" and "a giant pair of panties"- was bought at a charity event by a fan, then framed and gifted to Trump. Trump, in turn, gifted it to Barbara Walters.

"I sent it to Barbara to hang in her office because I didn't want it in mine. It was funny, except that it was really gross. It's disgusting," Trump told Page Six. "I feel sorry for [Rosie's] wife. It can't be pleasant."

O'Donnell attempted to bring the entire ordeal up on "The View" on Monday, but was cut short by 307 year-old Walters. O'Donnell asked Walters, Joy Behar and Elizabeth Haselbeck: "You want to hear what a 61-year-old businessman did today? He sent Barbara . . ."

Walters stepped in with: "But this is for me to say. This was sent for me, it was not sent to you." O'Donnell: "Go ahead, you say it." Walters: "No, I don't want to." O'Donnell: "You don't want to?"

"I really do not want to stir up the whole Donald Trump thing again" finished Walters, leaving viewers wondering what they were talking about.

I can't pretend I've seen this movie. I vaguely remember the trailer, but that's where my expertise on this stops. I googled for the pictures expecting the worst, but for the first time in my life (and probably anyone's, for that matter) I'm about to defend Rosie O'Donnell. Now, as a "human being" I despise her. Not my cup o'tea, mkay? Conspiracy theorists are funny only until they are allowed access to a national audience. Then I take issue with them. Such is the case with Ro here. But honestly...she just doesn't look that bad in these pictures. I wouldn't stretch the word "good" that far, but she looks pretty much like the average woman might appear in this sort of getup. She looks to be about a size 10 or 12 here, which isn't really anything to point and laugh about. It's a bit above average, no? Being a goddess myself, I wouldn't know about these things. I was going somewhere with this...Oh, right. My verdict on this little gift from Trump is as follows: Much funnier than when I got caught calling a ten year old gay yesterday, not as funny as making the old lady receptionist cry because I yelled at her. A solid 7 for Donald, and a good excuse for one more pint of Haagen Dazs for Ro.

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Katie and Posh: Kiddie Couture?

Lordy be, this ought to be good. Word has it that BFF's Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham have been talking about going into business together, with their own children's clothing line. Insert your own joke about prostitots here, it's just so easy.

Sources revealed to US Weekly that the two have been talking about it for months:

"Katie drew sketches of a dress she wanted Suri to wear on her birthday, and they discussed it over a glass of wine," a source close to Beckham, 33, tells Us Weekly.

And though Holmes' rep says, "Katie is not starting a clothing company," the source insists "they've been talking about it for months."

The pair even want to enlist a pro from Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. line to help, adds the pal.

And apparently Holmes, 28, knows her way around a sewing kit: An employee of L.A.'s International Silk & Woolens says, "Katie comes in all the time. She makes pillows, curtains and all kinds of decorations for her home."

I'm torn on this one. I really am. Katie Holmes may have sold out Jesus in exchange for Xenu, but nothing she's worn has ever offended me too greatly. Then there's Posh, who certainly has style but can't quite pull it off all the time. I think there's a chance that this could be cute. However, I think there's a greater chance of an onslaught of rich little girls running around in white leather pants sporting halters made of tree bark and cinched at the waist with random necktie placement. And where will it stop? Next they'll all have choppy bangs and look desperately hungry. For the moment, color me just slightly concerned.

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Paris and Nicole are Pretty Much the Worst People Ever

I hate Paris and Nicole. I mean, I really hate them. Their kind of celebrity is second only to siblings of celebrities on Mel's Great Big List O' Hate. And let it be known that they ARE the worst. That'd be like my brother coming to my job for a day and saying "No, it's cool, I can handle this...my sister does it." But I digress...I hate Paris and Nicole. Famous for being ridiculous, oh what a thing to aspire to. I watched the first season of "The Simple Life". Then I hated them more. This was really just a warning to you all to let you know that this post isn't going to be nice.

Now, let's talk about why these two are the WORST PEOPLE EVER. They're giving enemas to campers on tv. One more time: Enemas. Campers. Television. Sweet mother of science, how did I wake up in this world today? When did it become entertainment to watch two poorly bleached and extensioned (yea, it's a word NOW, spellcheck) psuedo-celebrities administer enemas at a "wellness camp?!" I weep for the world today, so I do.

This new season of The Simple Life finds the ladies (a loosely used term, in this instance) working as camp counselors at four of Susan Powter's specialty camps -- a couples camp, a drama camp, a survival camp and a beauty pageant camp. Yea, I keep waiting for the part where enemas become necessary, too. A spokesman for producer 20th Century Fox Television said Powter (of "Stop The Insanity!" fame) ordered the enemas because "she believes the first step in wellness is cleaning yourself out."

"You'll see it on camera," Chris Alexander, the spokesman, said on Tuesday. "It's probably a 10-minute sequence, which according to the producer of the show will have you on the floor laughing." Weeping, Mr Alexander. Weeping is what I'm doing. Who in their right mind hears that Susan Powter has allowed Paris and Nicole into her camps and thinks to the themselves, "why, that's exactly the kind of wholesome environment the kids need"?

Paris and Nicole briefly commented on the episode. Says Hilton, "I'd rather milk cows." Anyone else hear that? That was the painful groaning of the cows from season one cutting off their own udders to avoid meeting that fate yet again. Says Richie, "We did it outside, so that was a lot of fun. It probably wasn't that fun for (the campers), but it was definitely interesting. It was something that I never thought I'd do before."

Simply because I can't bear to search out more pictures of them looking smug and vacant, here's that video of two otters holding hands. The equivalent of cleansing your palate after a meal, if you will. If at any point you start to think "well, that's enough of that" trust me when I tell you to stick it out till the end. When it gets down to 18 seconds, the most wondrous thing in the world occurs.

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Fergie Has a Sense of Humor, Still Looks Like a Tranny

Fergie, still wildly unattractive and somewhat of a concern to the evolution of the female gender, at least has a sense of humor. After seeing Alanis Morisette's April Fool's Day spoof of "My Humps," Fergie sent the Canadian songstress a cake...shaped like an ass.

Exotic Cakes bakery in Los Angeles was commissioned to create the derrierre shaped dessert. Rosa Leung, who created the cake, said "A note on the flesh-coloured cake read, 'Alanis, you're a genius. Love, Fergie.' "

Wow. I'm impressed with Fergie. I'm sure I won't stop having my bi-weekly Fergie induced nightmares (that woman's not from God, I'll tell you that for free) but I can put my mind somewhat at ease knowing that she'll have a good laugh after harvesting my soul.

Because it's still funny every time I see it, here's Alanis' take on "My Humps."

Hayden Panettiere is Common

Little Miss "Don't ever call me Lindsay again," appears to have decided that the best way to not be mistaken for Lindsay Lohan is to act just like her. As you can see above, there's Hayden licking some girl's boob. How classy. Pseudo-lesbianism. That ought to help that image.

There are so many things about this that irritate the hell out of me that I don't even know where to start. To kick it off, let me just say how much the fake lesbian "kiss my friends in public so the boys will notice" thing pisses me off. A lot. That's how much. As soon as girls hit thirteen anymore they suddenly claim to be bi-curious. You're not bi-curious. You're just sort of slutty and lacking a bit of class.

And secondly: YOU'RE CLAIRE BENNET! I refuse, damn it, REFUSE to allow Claire Bennet to act this way. I sucked it up and turned away when you made a Bring it On sequel. I closed my eyes and pretended I didn't see that you recorded a pop album. But I can't ignore this. This is common and predictable behavior that's already been done to death. You're well on your way to becoming yet another Hollywood prostitot. Congratulations. Pick up your Valtrex at the door and make yourself comfy.

Orlando Bloom Smart, Humble, Might be Ugly

Orlando Bloom. Orlando Bloom. That name is pretty. It really is. Type it out. The ordering of the letters is pleasing to the typing fingers. The balance of the o's is pleasing to the eye. One more time: Orlando Bloom. When learning the art of journalism, the student learns of the inverted pyramid--putting all pertinent information at the very beginning of the story so that editors can simply cut off the end and not lose anything important if they run into layout restraints. Guess what? I don't have an editor. You'll have my silliness wherever I feel like placing it.

Orlando Bloom (ahhhh) recently revealed to Elle magazine that being famous DOES have it's drawbacks. According to the 3o year old actor, fame can hinder a man's love life. "You can't date if you're famous," says Bloom, "That's how it seems to me."

Bloom, who split with Kate Bosworth in the fall, continues "There are complications in relationships between men and women. There always will be. But there's also the celebrity aspect of it. It's like you travel so much and it feels like the options are endless. People think getting a new partner is like getting a new car."

The Pirates of the Caribbean star hypothesizes on extreme possible outcomes that could result from this attitude, "I have this wacky theory about the end of civilization, that people will trade up and trade up and trade up until they're too old to have kids. And the world will come to an end."

That actually sounds like a Candace Bushnell version of Brave New World. Or 1984. Or Animal Farm. ONE of the books that Mrs Pelios assigned, to be sure. Piss it, let's say it again: that sounds like a political satire that Candace Bushnell might write, if Candace Bushnell were in the business of penning political satire. And to be a bit cattier, let me say this: I've never really "gotten" the whole Orlando Bloom thing. He looks more like a landscaper to me than a movie star. But if there's one thing I know you shouldn't trust my opinion on, it's cooking. And possibly the do-ability factor of male celebrities. I have, after all, pledged my undying love to Harry Potter. He's a WIZARD, for crying out loud.

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Birkhead Wins a Brand New Baby!

About ten minutes late here because someone at work wanted me to do ACTUAL work (I'm looking at YOU, Ashlee) but in case you haven't heard, DNA results are 99.9999% conclusive that Larry Birkhead is the father of Daniellynn. According to Dr Michael Baird, "essentially, he is the father." Lawyers have just announced that the judge hasn't made a ruling on who shall have custody of the child, despite the fact that Birkhead is the biological father. Parties will be back in court on Friday, but the actual reason behind this additional courtroom visit has yet to be revealed.

"Essentially." He said "essentially." You hear that? Because I did. I'm filing my paternity suit in the morning. I'm gonna git me that critter.


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Court in Session, Results Awaited

Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern, and Virgie Arthur have all arrived at the Bahamas courthouse and proceedings are underway. So far there is no word from inside the court.

I'm excited. Who else is excited? Hmmm? Show of hands, c'mon. This is just like in high school, when we were allowed to watch the OJ verdict live during chemistry. Except this time OJ totally didn't do it. And I'm not watching a grainy Spanish channel news broadcast on a tv that ol' Ms Ralston could never get to work right. And I'm not a teenager. And my looks aren't what they used to be. And I don't really have any hopes or dreams or ambitions anymore. Yea...so it's not really anything like that at all, and now I'm sort of depressed, too.

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Justin Not a Total Dick, After All

Justin Timberlake, clearly trying to get back into my good graces, has told British GQ that he won't tolerate any bad talk about his ex, actress Cameron Diaz.

When asked about the circumstances which brought to an end Timberlake and Diaz's four year relationship, Justin responded with "It's hard for me to talk about because we're talking about a person that I love and respect." Justin continued, "If I hear anyone say anything bad about Cameron then I'll have something to say to them."

Probed about his other headline grabbing ex, Britney Spears, Justin polite