Harry Potter Theme Park To Leave My Bedroom and Set Up Shop in Orlando

God Bless J.K. Rowling and the folks at Warner Bros and Universal, all of whom appear to have been reading my diary. Specifically, the entry which read:

Dear Diary,
Todd says the robe chafes, the glasses are demeaning, and he finds the owl fluttering about to be downright frightening. When can I have a Harry Potter theme park all my own?

Normally this sort of intrusion would offend me, but when it's an intrusion that results in my wildest dreams coming true, I have been known to allow it. Such is the case today, after the announcement on the Today Show that Universal Orlando will be opening The Wizarding World of Harry Potter within Universal's Islands of Adventure theme park in 2009:

The “theme park within a theme park” is the first fully immersive Harry Potter-themed environment based on the best-selling books by J.K. Rowling and the blockbuster feature films.

"The plans I've seen look incredibly exciting, and I don't think fans of the books or films will be disappointed," Rowling said in a press release. Williams said Rowling has been collaborating on the park from the beginning and will continue to do so through the opening.

So many questions left unanswered! I imagine they'll allow me to continue to dress up like Ginnie or Cho (depending on my mood) and woo the many Potters wandering about, but will they have the Love Swing? Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Lube? Do I bring my own "broomstick" (shut up, that's what I call it) or will there be a selection at the gate? I'm sure all will be revealed before the grand opening in 2009, but this girl wants to know NOW!

Update: I've just been informed that I may, in my excitement, have slightly misunderstood the nature of the park. Apparently Universal and Warner Bros (see also: those who lack vision and piss me right the hell off) have a different interpretation of a "fully immersive Harry Potter-themed environment" than I.

Source: MSNBC and AP

Reggie Bush's Syphilis Will Soon Start to Show

Reggie Bush, shown above being protected by his tiny metal bodyguard, is officially dating Kim Kardashian. Yeah, that Kim Kardashian. The one whose father helped keep O.J. Simpson free. The one who has a sex tape currently on the market. That one.

If the NFL doesn't have rules against this kind of thing, they should. What was that one guy last year? Ben Roethlisberger, right? He got in a motorcycle accident, and the NFL went batshit crazy because he wasn't supposed to be risking his health like that. I'd think that banging Kim Kardashian is at least as much of a health risk as riding a motorcycle. Without a helmet. Into a tree. On fire.

Source: Bumpshack

Paris Hilton Is Getting Coddled

Paris Hilton, pictured above as the goddamn clown that she is, has evidently had her cellmate hand-picked for her upcoming prison stay. What's more, the guards have a specific set of protocols in place just for dealing with Paris's stay.

Officials at the jail where Paris will do time have decided an inmate who is doing time for reckless driving will be the perfect match for Paris. Sources tell TMZ that jailers were looking for someone who they believe will not try to cash in on Hilton’s stay. The woman is already in the cell that Paris will be in … waiting for a touch of Hilton.

Sources also tell TMZ that jailers are already conducting searches of anything electronic — they are prohibiting cameras, cellphones and the like. We’re told a memo has gone out to the staff, warning them that anyone who takes pictures of Paris will be disciplined — i.e., fired.

Our sources say a “written protocol” has already been prepared especially for Paris’ stay, detailing “when and how things should be done for her.”

Jesus. There is so much wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin.

First of all, do cellmates get hand-picked for everybody who walks through those doors? No? Then it shouldn't happen for this whore. This is pretty much the definition of our legal system acknowledging that there's special rules for celebrities and the rich.

Second, what protocols will have to be adhered to that aren't already in place? Are guards allowed to take pictures of inmates taking shits in their cells? Is it special somehow that they're not going to be able to take pictures of Paris, or is this just being reiterated?

The last paragraph there pisses me off the most, though. "When and how things should be done for her." Emphasis mine. Since when do you go to prison to have things done for you? I'm pretty sure prison is where things are done to you. With broom handles.

Source: Celebitchy

Related Posts: Paris Drops More than Just Her Panties

Lindsay's Dad Isn't Winning Any Brownie Points Here

Lindsay Lohan's father, represented in the photo above by Karl Lagerfeld, has gone running to the tabs to cash in on his daughter's recent stint in rehab, revealing that Lindsay is addicted to alcohol and oxycontin, then lying and reporting that he's concerned for her care:

Michael, who recently served jail time for assault and driving while intoxicated, told E! Online: "I spoke to the people treating Lindsay, because I wanted to make sure she was getting the right care. And I'm satisfied they are doing the right thing for her, helping her detox from the painkillers and things. That's a very important step."

You know what's also probably an important step? Eliminating people from her life who run to the highest bidder with her private matters every time the girl squats to shit. I understand that "reporting" it is just as bad as spilling it, but let's not ignore the obvious: I'm a bitchy blogger on a downhill slide toward thirty with increasingly prominent grey hair and undereye circles that just won't quit. Oi, and my skin texture is just for crap anymore. And as I've gotten older, I've started to grow HAIR on my TOE. How effing gross is THAT? Anyway, what I'm saying here is that I don't owe Lindsay Lohan anything, save for my jealousy of her perfectly windblown hair and perky breasts. Her father, however, owes her at the very least a closed fucking mouth and his support while she tries to turn around her life rather than inevitably dying via vom-choke and being grave-robbed of those luscious locks by some aging blogger from Jersey. Lindsay, if it helps...I may hate you on the internet, but I love you in Mean Girls. Mom and Dad may be of no help at all, but you'll always have me and Sug.

Source: Daily Mail

Related Posts: Lindsay Lohan Scoffs at Danger, Reason, Sobriety

All Lindsay, All the Time!

Caesar's Palace, shown above looking like neither Caesar's nor a Palace, is considering dropping its sponsorship of Lindsay Lohan's 21st birthday party. Scruples in Sin City? I guess so.

The first sponsor to back away was Svedka vodka, as reported here Sunday. Now other prospective partners, including Caesars Palace, the Social House restaurant at Treasure Island (in Las Vegas) and Pure nightclub, are wondering whether it makes sense for the star to head to Sin City straight out of rehab.

According to Gatecrasher, Lindsay's stint in rehab is due to be done less than a week before her two-day birthday bender in Vegas is set to begin. I think people are missing the point of rehab, though. It's not to get you off the sauce for good. It's just to get you off the sauce while you're in rehab. Lindsay Lohan will be doing a disservice not just to herself, but to the entire world, if she doesn't just get back on that alcoholic horse as soon as she walks out of Promises' doors in Malibu.

Let the good times roll, Lindsay. After a month of sobriety, I'm sure you'll need a drink or 300.

Source: Gatecrasher

Related Posts: Svedka Vodka Comes to Its Senses

Let's Hope This Is Just the Beginning

Paris Hilton, shown above looking like the hideous monster that she is, has been cut from--get this--a photo book of famous heiresses. I shit you not. The world's most famous heiress has been cut from a book of famous heiresses. If this doesn't herald the falling of her "star," I don't know what does. Oh, yeah, maybe the whole jail sentence thing.

May 30, 2007 -- PARIS Hilton was axed from an upcoming photo book of the world’s most stunning heiresses - even before The Post reported that her half-aunt, Elizabeth Avanzino, is a junkie jailbird. Celebrity lensman Roger Moenks planned to include the heir-head in “Inheriting Beauty,” along with Roberta Armani, Dylan Lauren, Allegra Hicks, Nadja Swarovski, Casey Johnson and other wealthy young women. But Moenks and his editors “bounced Paris by unanimous vote,” said his agent, Marianne Strong. “She’s tried to play society like a game of Three-card Monte. Let’s hear it for high standards.” Hilton’s rep had no comment.

I'm not going to go overboard with my praise here. Truly, somebody with high standards probably wouldn't give the time of day to any of these overprivileged girls. I think that when you devote so much of your time to people who contribute nothing to society, you actually, on balance, end up detracting from society. This douchebag Roger Moenks is no hero. But he does at least deserve a spot at the top of the paparazzi gutter for deciding to ignore Paris Hilton.

Source: Page Six

Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman Have a Mommy Dispute

Nicole Kidman, shown above hagging it up, apparently has problems with the way Tom Cruise is raising her kids. Specifically, she has some big issues with Katie Holmes being referred to as the mother of Kidman's children in the press.

Close TomKat friend Jada Pinkett Smith recently referred to Katie as Isabella and Connor’s mom in a magazine interview. “She’s a great mother,” Jada, 35, said. “Her kids - Connor, Bella, Suri - are some dynamic children and are extremely happy.”

While Nicole’s spokeswoman Catherine Olim tells OK!, “I doubt Nicole even saw the Jada Pinkett stuff,” other sources insist she not only knows of it but was hurt by it. “It was a pretty thoughtless thing for Jada to say,” a top studio executive tells OK!. “Bella and Connor only have one mother, and Nicole’s it!”

While it's likely that Nicole Kidman saw the Jada Pinkett interview (note: Will Smith needs to lock his woman down if she's going to keep enabling the predator Tom Cruise and his Stepford Wife), I like to think that her real wake-up call came when she found Bella climbing into a boy's window to spend the night in his bed. When asked just what in the hell was going on, Bella said, "I saw other mommy doing it on a TV show, so I thought it was OK!"

It just proves my theory that Dawson's Creek is still ruining the youth of the world.

Source: Celebitchy

Related Posts: TomKat's New Fortress of Solitude

Judge This...

Big news! Nothing changes about the status of the Jake Gyllenhaal/Reese Witherspoon relationship! - Allie Is Wired

Hollywood kids'll soon have to pay creepy guys outside the liquor stores to get them booze, just like the rest of us did when we were their age - Best Week Ever

David Hyde Pierce is gay. In related news, all blogs make the same goddamn joke about it - The Blemish

Calum Best snorts coke, bangs hookers. No, not Lindsay... - Bumpshack

Britney Spears' karma meter slides down another point - Cele|bitchy

Kevin Federline to star opposite Keanu Reeves in a movie you won't want to see - Glitterati

Celine Dion gives birth to an apparent hermaphrodite - Tasteful Society

Fergie loves Taco Bell in a way that's not OK - TMZ

Hot off the presses from our "No Shit" department: Paris Hilton dreading prison - People

Petition Circling to Fire Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, pictured above looking kinda hot until I remember the things she supports, is the subject of a petition by some horribly, horribly misguided people. They're fans of Rosie O'Donnell's who think Hasselbeck should be fired from The View for her little tussle with Rosie.

If you watched or read the news about Rosie O’Donnell’s last week on the view, you undoubtedly read many headlines about “Rosie’s Big Fight With Elisabeth” in which Rosie was portrayed as angry and unpatriotic, which ultimately led to her leaving the show. However, if you have watched the actual footage of the discussion that occurred on 05/23/07, you can see that it was Elisabeth who was the aggressor throughout the entire discussion.

Elisabeth began by interrupting Joy with sarcastic comments as Joy attempted to provide some facts about the George Bush presidency, and then continued as Elisabeth angrily defended her refusal to respond to the Republican pundits who incorrectly said that Rosie called the U.S. troops terrorists. As the discussion progressed, Rosie repeatedly tried to de-escalate the situation and not get into a disagreement. However, Elisabeth angrily continued in her blind defense of this administration and her criticisms of Rosie’s views. While many have portrayed this fight as one over politics, it was really a fight about friendship and Elisabeth’s refusal to support Rosie by denouncing what these pundits were attempting to say about her.

I'm gonna be honest here. I don't support a damn thing that Elisabeth Hasselbeck stands for. I get a little sick to my stomach hearing her political views, and the political views of people she supports (Sean Hannity, et al). That's my personal thing, and you don't have to agree or like it.

That having been said, Rosie O'Donnell is so repugnant that I really have a hard time figuring out who to root for in this scuffle. The burden of having Rosie express opinions with which you agree is that you begin to feel ashamed for having those opinions in the first place. So I had to choose between rooting for someone who has a belief system that I think is dangerous and corrosive to the fabric of our nation--nay, to the fabric of civilization at large--or rooting for Rosie O'Donnell.

Then I realized that it's a no-brainer. Go Elisabeth!

AFTERWORD: I should note that the petition above is not Rosie's idea, and is not being pushed by Rosie. We hate on Rosie here, but it's all fair hate.

Source: I'm Not Obsessed

Related Posts: Rosie O'Donnell Is a Predictable Cunt

Michael Lohan Gets Crazier

Michael Lohan, pictured above desperately checking for a message from his daughter, is starting his own rehab clinic. And he's teaming up with crazy pseudo-celebrity Stephen Baldwin to do it. Some of you might be saying, "But Sugraf, Stephen Baldwin starred in The Usual Suspects! Cut him some slack!" The reasonable among you, however, are saying, "You mean the guy who starred in Bio-Dome and now produces born-again Christian skateboarding videos? Yeah, screw that guy."

The crazy pair have teamed up with the even crazier Donald Havrilla of the Southampton Full Gospel Church.

Havrilla, who holds staunch anti-abortion and anti-gay views, said he was approached by Michael Lohan and Baldwin about the plan through an intermediary. "I'm not part of the Hollywood crowd," Havrilla said. "But I talked with these guys and was pleasantly surprised."

It's a good thing they got Havrilla involved, because if there's one thing that's crucial to the rehabilitation process, it's virulent hatred of homosexuals. What's more, conveying that hatred of homosexuals is bound to serve the "Hollywood crowd" well when they get back to the Golden State. Stylists and cosmotologists will be driven out of town by the droves!

The popular, and probably correct, assumption is that Michael Lohan is trying desperately to get in touch with his daughter, and that he hopes she'll have a relapse or something and somehow get placed in the rehabilitation center run by the father she despises and a bunch of insane people.

It's just crazy enough to work.

Source: A Socialite's Life

Shanna Moakler Tells It Like It Is, Except When She Doesn't

Shanna Moakler, pictured above fat, doesn't like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton very much. This may mean something if anybody had any clue who Shanna Moakler was. She left this message on her Myspace blog a few days ago:

HERES A TIP….
Current mood: HONEST

When you making 8 million dollars a film…..HIRE A DRIVER!!

I've been getting a lot of letters asking my thoughts on recent events, so here it goes…. I know a lot of people think karma is going around and yeah I guess it might be, but to me..this is far from karma, if anything people like Paris love this shit, walking out of a court house to be met by a bevy of paparzzi like princess diana…carrying the bible around…loves it! Karma will be the day she's married and has kids and her husband goes and fucks a 22 yr old and knocks her up. I don't find happiness in others when they are down, but I sure in hell don't feel bad for people who play the victim constantly and are far from it. People who feel it's their job to make people feel beneath them or take opportunities others would die for an shit on them and frankly make a mockery of. So as the penis posse goes down one by one and enters jail or rehab…I don't really think anything of it…they just show me what I always knew and thought they were _________. ( you can fill in the blank)

I hope you are all well and as always thanks for your letters,
shannaB.xox

I'm torn on my feelings about this letter. For one thing, I really like the term "penis posse." Not because Paris and Lindsay like penises so much, but because it makes me chuckle at the thought that maybe they have them. In addition, to be honest, we've all thought just about the same things as Shanna says here, and some of us have even said them. In public. I don't disagree with almost any of it.

Now comes the reason I'm torn. It's the first sentence in the big paragraph. I'll quote it again so you don't have to scroll all the way back up, you lazy bastard:

I've been getting a lot of letters asking my thoughts on recent events, so here it goes….

Bullshit. Straight up bullshit. This has-been (actually, more likely a never-was) surely has the right to her opinion, but this would be the same as if I said that I've been getting a lot of letters asking my opinion on the recent actions of the Securities and Exchange Commission. It just wouldn't be true. So, to the extent that she's right, I applaud Shanna Moakler. And to the extent that she's trying to use this to sustain some fantasy that people know who she is, nuts to her.

Source: Seriously? OMG! WTF?

Britney Spears Loses Control of Involuntary Reflexes

Britney Spears, shown above as a yawning bunny because I can no longer stand the sight of her, has no self-control. We've known this for some time, but it now extends to basic human functions like not throwing up all over herself. Here's the scene from Sky Bar in L.A.:

“Britney was found slumped over the toilet bowl with make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off. There was vomit down the front of her dress and around her mouth. Britney was on her knees and must have been sick four or five times.”

What's the next step? I think I know. We'll hear from a surprised and disgusted Taco Bell worker that, upon going in to clean the ladies' bathroom, he discovered Britney Spears, naked and covered with her own excrement, crying into the mirror while screaming "Oops, I did it again!"

Source: The Blemish

Related Posts: K-Fed Is Set to Rock You

K-Fed Is Set to Rock You

Kevin Federline, pictured above doing his best Popeye impression, is gearing up to make another rap album. I know, I haven't recovered from his last one either, but I'll just have to deal.

Kevin Federline is NOT giving up on his musical career. He is investing his OWN money to produce a second album. The fact that his first album Playing With Fire was received with little enthusiasm hasn’t deterred him. He’s consulting with friends he’s made in the music biz, like Scott Storch, but basically he’s doing everything himself in his home studio. Nowadays he says he only leaves home if he gets paid to do it. No more clubbing.

This sounds a lot like me in college, actually, when I only got out of my bathrobe if I was paid to do it. Or if there was free food. Or occasionally if I had class. But the only rapping I did was in the shower, and it wasn't really rapping so much as singing songs that I knew from Sesame Street. College is a weird place.

But that's not all! K-Fed is apparently sending out real deal spies to keep an eye on his ex, watching out for drug abuse and the like:

[Britney’s] soon-to-be ex-hubby Kevin Federline tailed her to Miami - hoping to dig up dirt on her for a vicious new custody battle!…

“Kevin flew the boys and their nanny to Miami,” an insider revealed. “He plans to tap his spied in Florida to gather the evidence he needs to busy Britney doing drugs. He’s determined to get full custody of their sons.”

Not that I'm ever in Kevin Federline's corner, but he deserves those kids way more than Vomity McPukes-a-lot does. Even having Kevin Federline for a full-time father is less embarrassing than being seen anywhere near Britney Spears.

Source: Celebitchy and Janet Charlton's Hollywood

Everybody Sues Brandy

Brandy, pictured above being as weird-looking as I've come to expect, is being sued by another guy who I didn't even know was involved in the now infamous fatal December car crash. Mallory Ham, some dude from Simi Valley, evidently crashed into the pileup created by Brandy's accident, and he alleges that it's all Brandy's fault.

Brandy and a man who was hurt in a deadly freeway crash involving her Range Rover are suing each other. The 20-year-old singer-actress and Mallory Ham of Simi Valley accuse each other of negligence in suits filed last week in Superior Court.

In court papers filed Wednesday, Brandy Norwood contends that Ham caused the Dec. 30 crash on the San Diego Freeway in Sherman Oaks. She also denies allegations made against her in a previous lawsuit, asserts her constitutional right against self-incrimination and requests a jury trial.

Ham's suit, filed Friday, contends that the singer drove recklessly and seeks unspecified damages.

The parents of the lady killed are suing Brandy. The husband of the lady killed are suing Brandy. The kids of the lady killed are suing Brandy. Some dude who crashed into the accident is suing Brandy. In response, Brandy is suing the dude who crashed into the accident that'd already happened. I'm pretty sure if I had a good enough lawyer, I could find some standing that I've got to sue Brandy. Look out, girl. I'ma take it all.

Source: Daily Stab

Related Posts: Brandy to Be Held Accountable for Killing People

Judge This...

Knocked Up looks awesome, doesn't star Michael Cera - IDLYITW

Nicole Richie steals jobs from National Geographic photography subjects - Hollywood Rag

Pamela Anderson surprisingly sensible in telling kids about her sex tape - A Socialite's Life

Keira Knightley to look hot playing Princess Di, maybe - Allie Is Wired

Britney Spears still hangs out with people who can write - The Evil Beet

Danny Bona-douchey - Glitterati

Tim Burton to make his creepiest movie yet--about Marilyn Manson. No, seriously - I'm Not Obsessed

The tennis-player-that-wasn't is single again - The Sun

Lily Allen Used to Be Promiscuous

Lily Allen, shown above looking like the old guy down by the train tracks plus a microphone, minus a paper bag, says she got kicked out of school for...well, I'll let her speak for herself.

She tells the magazine, "I was doing things with boys that I shouldn't have been doing at such a young age... I was doing blow-jobs... I don't want to go into it. It was not good."

But she insists that although the sexual servicing upset teachers at her school, her parents weren't bothered when the authorities alerted them to Allen's scandalous behaviour.

She adds, "They didn't care... They're products of the 60s, they're bang up for a bit of that."

To me, the statement above comes across as almost scarily naive. To say "I was doing blow-jobs" instead of "I was giving blow-jobs" for some reason strikes me as creepy. Perhaps she was also making sex with her classmates under the bleachers. And don't even get me started on any part of her parents being "bang up for a bit of that." I don't know what it means in the literal sense, but I'm also not sure I can come up with anything that can top parents who are apparently fine with their daughter getting kicked out of school for blowing everybody. That's just straight-up creepy. No matter how wild parents were, I think there's some kind of law that they're supposed to be aghast if their children are similarly wild.


Source: FemaleFirst

Related Posts: Lily Allen Has Public Mood Swings

Dominic Monaghan Is Bitter

Dominic Monaghan, shown above making out with a dead chick, is reportedly pissed that he was killed off of Lost in the last episode of the third season.

He fumes, "I think lots of people are gonna be pretty pissed off. Especially as there are others on the show they are more keen on having disappear."

But the 30-year-old is looking to the positive side of things, and is hoping to start work on other projects he has already been offered. He adds, "It's time to move on. There's a whole bunch of opportunities that have been up in the air as I couldn't commit to them because of Lost."

It's a shame to see Dominic talking like this, because we left [his character] Charlie at his most hardcore. Having resigned himself to his own death, he was no longer a whiny ex-junkie, but a scary, I-don't-care-about-shit, crazy bastard. It was a better way to go than his character sometimes seemed to deserve, and now he's got the stones to complain about it.

I've got to wonder if this is going to affect his relationship with his fiance and current living Lost cast member, Evangeline Lilly. Maybe he'll get drunk one night and say, "Bloody hell, they killed me off, but you're bloody useless, Kate." Then Kate will blow up his house. That's what she does.

Source: Tasteful Society

Related Posts: Summary Judgment: Lost

Ewan McGregor Is HUGE

Ewan McGregor, shown above with the star of 300 (winner of Sarcasm Weekly's "Least Gay Movie Ever" award), evidently has no problems with his junk. We're nothing if not committed to the truth here at Don't Judge Me*, and so I thought I'd issue the correction that was due.

The company behind the manhood-enhancing underwear has now acknowledged the McGregor story was incorrect, but confirmed the actor had bought other styles of AussieBum pants, according to the Sydney Daily Telegraph. A spokesman tells the publication, “He’s a fan of the brand generally and has bought several different items from the range, but certainly not the Wonderjock. Given his reputation, we doubt very much there would be a need for this.”

I like how conciliatory this correction gets at the end, but word is that it's toned down from the first draft. We've obtained the original statement from AussieBum's spokesman:

"This one time I saw Ewan McGregor in the locker room, and I just couldn't stop staring. I mean, I even started crying a little, because I was ashamed at having called myself a man for all these years when now I knew that this fine specimen was out there. I can no longer please my wife, because I live in constant fear that Ewan McGregor will burst through the door in all his swinging glory and show her what she, and all other women on Earth, have been missing up to this point.

"Ewan McGregor deserves our worship."

I think the original version was a little better.

*Open to debate

Source: Agent Bedhead

Related Posts: Ewan McGregor's Junk Needs Enhancement

Sorry for All the Lindsay Focus, but It's Everywhere

Lindsay Lohan, shown above wearing Jem's earrings and thus being truly, truly, truly outrageous, just lost the sponsor for her 21st birthday party. Svedka Vodka has decided that it may be a bad idea to supply limitless booze to someone with all the problems that Lindsay's got.

Good for Svedka, I say. Or rather, I would say, if this was a month ago and they'd never decided to sponsor it in the first place. But that would require some sort of flux capacitor, and to be honest, I have no immediate means of generating 1.21 gigawatts of power. Nor do I have George Carlin and a magic phone booth. Nor a spaceship that does Pee Wee Herman impressions. Who says movies aren't real?

Source: The Evil Beet

Related Posts: Lindsay's Death, Brought to You by Svedka!

Mischa Barton Hospitalized, Irrelevant

Mischa Barton, shown above looking both uneasy and vapid, was recently hospitalized. Apparently she was on antibiotics and decided it'd be a good idea to have some drinks, and somehow that stellar idea backfired on her.

I really have nothing to say than that I don't understand why Mischa Barton is still news. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been in a movie or on TV for at least 3 years. And if she has, I don't care. Note: Upon looking at IMDB, I see that she was The O.C. up through last year. Color me apathetically surprised.

Funny story. Last year I went out to the bar with my friends Oliver and Eli. Oliver watched The O.C., but neither Eli or I did. Anyway, Oliver came over and breathlessly informed us that Marissa had died in a car accident. For those of you who don't know, which would include everybody if the world was just, Mischa Barton's character was named Marissa and was killed off at the end of some season of The O.C. Anyway, Eli and I didn't know this, and we all happened to know a girl named Marissa (who had Tourette's, which is interesting but irrelevant), who I assumed had been killed in a car crash. I started telling people that our friend Marissa had died, and it was a couple of days before I realized my mistake.

Source: Allie Is Wired

Lindsay Lohan Scoffs at Danger, Reason, Sobriety

Lindsay Lohan, shown above wearing much more underwear than she usually wears during an entire month, won't be stopped by a pesky legal citation, a trifling visit to the hospital, the paltry discovery of cocaine in her car, or the niggling fact of her still being under the legal drinking age. I'm not posting the pictures here, but go to the link down at the bottom of the post and check them out. Make particular note of the last one, wherein Lindsay appears to be vomiting at the feet of a couple of gentlemen.

I'm not going to go into some diatribe about how Lindsay shouldn't drink because she's too young, or for any reason, really. Anybody who went to college knows how that goes. What does constantly strike me, though, is how little Lindsay seems to react to her own behavior. Those drinkers among us have all had their mornings where they woke up, recalled what they'd done the night before, and decided to take a break, if only for a week or two. I'd certainly think that getting in an accident, going to the hospital, and having the cops find cocaine in your car would qualify as one of those.

That, more than anything, is what makes me a little bit uneasy that this is a real downward spiral. A dangerous one. I don't want to get all preachy or anything, but to be plastered like she appears to be in the link below this soon after her run-in with the law...I was going to try to make some kind of pithy analogy, but it really speaks for itself. She needs to get some help. Real help.

Source: Seriously? OMG! WTF?

Related Posts: Oh, Don't Act Like You're Surprised

Oh, Don't Act Like You're Surprised

Lindsay Lohan went and got her DUI. And, really, it's just about time, isn't it? To make my job easier, she also had what the police are calling a "usable amount" of cocaine in the car at the time of the accident. Who had May 26th in the pool? Slickiedoo? Shnooky? Ratta? Jrock? Who kept the offical bracket? You guys work it out amongst yourselves and let me know who will be receiving the fair day goose so I can mail that bitch out post haste. What I'm getting at is...she did it:

Police tell TMZ that 20-year-old Lohan and two other adults were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 convertible when she lost control and crashed into a curb and trees in Beverly Hills, Calif. around 5:30 AM. After the crash, police say LiLo got into another car and was driven to Century City Hospital where she was treated for minor injuries that involved "something to her upper chest area." The two other people in her car were not hurt they said.

The video can be seen over here on Splash (sorry, but y'all don't click enough of those ads for us to afford to bring that video over here). Watch it. Cringe. Contemplate whether you should be laughing or crying. She goes to a a club, leaves, goes to a house party, leaves, begs for a room at a hotel, leaves, gets into a fight with her bff/lover(?), throws a pill bottle at onlooking paparazzi, crashes her car into a tree who wronged her in another life, runs to a stranger's house, then gets chased down by her driver and is whisked away. I think. It's not entirely clear. Likely because it's nearly 3 a.m. and those vodka and Red Bulls I've been drinking only seemed like a good idea on the first round. I'm pretty Hasselhoffed, and this post itself is a shining example of the sort of decisions Lindsay needs to be stopped from making. Don't drink and post, gang. Ncschen!

Source: TMZ

Related Posts: All Linday, All The Time. Only on Lindsay T.V.

Judge This...

Keith Richards and a banana...you just know this is gonna be good- Fatback and Collards

Using dead rock icons to sell shoes turns out to be a bad idea- Allie Is Wired

Simon Cowell says stuff to Britney, Britney dons a jaunty hat- Cele|bitchy

Madonna looks like hell- Celebrity Smack

Lindsay naked and rolling around on the floor. Typical Friday, really- Dlisted

Justin in love with Jessica, Cameron in love with binge eating and random fits of sobbing- ASL

Sharon Osbourne soft spoken, demure- Glitterati

Rosie O'Donnell Is A Predictable Cunt

In a completely predictable move, Rosie O'Donnell has left The View three weeks earlier than expected after her on-air argument with co-host Elisabeth Hasselback on Tuesday. A statement issued by the president of ABC reads:

"We had hoped that Rosie would be with us until the end of her contract three weeks from now, but Rosie has informed us that she would like an early leave. Therefore, we part ways, thank her for her tremendous contribution to 'The View' and wish her well."

Barbara Walters said: "I brought Rosie to the show. Rosie contributed to one of our most exciting and successful years at "The View." I am most appreciative. Our close and affectionate relationship will not change."

For her part, Rosie said: "I'm extremely grateful. It's been an amazing year and I love all three women."

Seriously, I take back what I said about Rosie acting like a teenage girl. She's seven. You heard it here first: Rosie O'Donnell is seven. Poor wittle Wosie got into a fight so she's taking her ball and going home. Sweet Moses, I can't wait to read the poorly written poem that follows. And my fingers are doubly crossed for a video blog of her singing along to "All By Myself." That's going to be an instant classic. Until that time, I'm going to go join the impromptu celebration that erupted on the streets in a rousing chorus of "ding dong the witch is dead." Come dance with me, children, like elated ewoks by the fire. I got dibs on Solo, baby.

Source: TMZ

Related Posts: Rosie's Friends are Bitchy Freshmen

I Hate My Job. You Can Profit From This in a SuperDuper Exciting Way

I hate my job. Every once in awhile, to feel better about hating my job, my co-workers, my boss, and the very essence of my work, I randomly steal something. Usually, I steal a telephone receiver. Not the phone itself. Not even the cord. Just the receiver. You'd be amazed how insane you can drive a boss or co-worker with this activity. How does one lose their telephone receiver? They never can figure it out. To ensure that I am never caught, I like to mail these telephone receivers across the globe. Currently one resides in Colorado and another in Connecticut. This pleases me.

I stole another telephone receiver today. I'm looking for somewhere to send it. Sug and I have chosen one of today's posts as the SuperDuper Exciting Golden Ticket Post of Glory™. Be the one to make the tenth comment under that post (include your email in the box marked email...it's not published, we promise) and you win the phone after it has been thoroughly defaced by Sug and I. Why would you want it? Why WOULDN'T you want it, eh? Eh?

You're Too Fat to be An Idol, and Other Inspirational Stories From Some Skinny Blonde Bitch

Alright, normally I'm down for making fun of fat chicks, but this skinny blonde bitch takes it a little far. I can't claim to have watched American Idol, but I've seen enough of her youtubed performances to determine that Jordin is NOT obese. Would I call her thick? Yea huh, totally. But she wears her thick well. Unlike Ms "I wear these glasses to look and sound more intelligent" Blondebitch, Esq (I googled it, that's her name) I certainly don't look at Jordin and see diabetes and heart disease. Nor do I look at her and think "well, there goes the youth, we've got ourselves a fat singer." I look at her and see a pretty seventeen year old who's a little round but compensates with fabulous hair. But, says Blondie McSpringSaladWithLowFatDressingOnTheSideAndNoCroutons (one of her aliases. Again, google) here, for our youth she must lose weight. Someone get Imus on the line. Someone may as well tell this girl to stop being black, while we're at it.

Source: Best Week Ever

Only Try To Realize The Truth...There is No Dog

As was reported on Tuesday, Paula Abdul claims to have tripped trying to avoid her dog and broke her nose. And also as reported on Tuesday, there was no fucking dog. And also, there was no tripping. And lastly, there is no broken nose. Page Six is reporting that the widely criticized "dog tripping" story was all a cover up:

LOTS of "American Idol" fans were perplexed by the story about how Paula Abdul broke her nose after she tripped over her Chihuahua, Tulip. "It hurt so bad . . . I fractured my toe, as well," Abdul told reporters. But a source tells us it's a coverup. "Paula did not break her nose. She had pitched a fit, threw something into a mirror or glass object, and a shard of glass struck her in the face, which explains why Paula's nose didn't seem swollen," said our spy. A rep for Abdul termed the account "absolutely, categorically untrue."

So her rep says it's not true. But if you saw the video that Sug posted, then you know that the dog story is also a complete fabrication. I take issue with Paula Abdul thinking the entire world is full of morons. Did she trip over the invisible dog? Did she fling her blackberry into the mirror when it wouldn't tell her she was the fairest of all? I'm actually pretty sure that Paula made a drunken phone call to a local news anchor screaming that her dog stole her nose, and the rest is history. And that's the story I want to read in Page Six tomorrow. Enough of the lies, Paula. We're onto you.

My five year old son could watch that video and determine that Paula is either mildly retarded or hitting that special drink the grown-ups have after tuck-ins. So he'd ask her why she's so silly, and Paula would tell him, "I mean, I'm just, you know...living life. And I think you're great. I think you're really really great and I love that little truck you're playing with. You're doing your thing and you're great for it. Really. Really great." And then he'd look cautiously at me as he digested the true girth of the situation. He'd invite her to play trucks and be really nice to her and ask her if she'd like some of his marshmallows. And when Paula started throwing the marshmallows in the air and catching them in her ears, he would tell her she's a precious star and ask me later why we couldn't have the slow gnome over for cocktails more often. My kid's good like that.

Source: NY Post

Related Posts: Paula Abdul Bites It

Rosie's Friends are Bitchy Freshmen

Rosie O'Donnell, pictured above doing her best impression of Buddy Christ, befriends some really classy and mature folks. After Tuesday's on-air blow up between O'Donnell and co-host Elisabeth Hasselback, mustaches were drawn on the photos of Hasselbeck in The View's offices, according to Page Six:

Yesterday, Rosie's chief writer, Janette Barber, was allegedly escorted from the building after she was caught drawing moustaches on photographs of Hasselbeck that hang in the "View" studios.

The Post's Adam Buckman reports ABC confirmed in a statement only that "photographs at 'The View's' offices were defaced. Rosie O'Donnell was not in the building. ABC Legal and Human Resources are investigating the matter." Barber is an old friend of O'Donnell who worked with her years ago on "The Rosie O'Donnell Show."

Seriously. A grown woman did this. Because her friend, another grown woman, had a hissy fit on live television. Bravo. It's well known around these parts that I hate Rosie O'Donnell with every last bit of my shriveled blackened heart. And I have a painful obsession with her every last move because of this, so clearly I've been giving this week's antics some intensive thought. Mostly when I poop. That's a really good time to inwardly reflect and gather your thoughts on your enemies. I'm surprised you didn't know that. Anyway, here's what I've come up with: Rosie O'Donnell is actually somewhere in the 13-17 age range. Her reaction to the argument on Tuesday's show directly mirrors the actions I took in ninth grade when a senior girl heard I was scamming her boyfriend (he TOTALLY started it. Thanks again, Jorge):
1) Pretend to never have said any of the nasty things that I'm now being called out on in public.
2) State that I'm not the one trying to have the argument, that I'm being attacked and I'm innocent of my accused crimes.
3) Go home and write shit poetry about the ordeal and my tormented heart.
4) Reply to all of my supportive friends and concerned acquaintances with short answers revealing how hurt I am by the accusations and how I'd only like to resolve this quickly and amicably.
5) Don't go to school the next day.
6) Threaten to switch schools.
7) STAY home and write shit poetry about my tortured heart.
8) Wait until midnight and egg the bitch's house.

Well done, Ro. You've reached the same level of maturity I had when french kissing was rebellious, over the shirt fondling wasn't allowed until the fifth date, and I still wasn't entirely sure how all my lady parts worked or what their involvement was with all the sex.

Source: NY Post

Related Posts: Rosie Whines on Her Blog. Again. In Related News, Rosie Failed That Creative Writing Course at the Learning Annex

Summary Judgment: Lost

Lost, shown above in a picture that features at least 5 people that are now dead, rocked my ass last night. If you saw it and disagree, I will cut you. If you didn't see it, you're probably not living a very fulfilling life. Like Mel.

The excitement I felt watching last night's episode represents a real return to form for me. After the first six episodes of the season, I was to the point where I was going around pronouncing to people that I was about to stop watching the show if it didn't stop pissing me off. This was all for show, of course, as I probably would have kept watching the show no matter what, but if it hadn't gotten better I wouldn't have liked it.

ATTENTION: SPOILERS AHEAD

For me, last night's Lost delivered what Monday's Heroes didn't. There were some revelations, some new mysteries, some sacrifices, sadness, happiness, triumph, etc. When Charlie sacrificed himself, I was ready to shed a tear or two. Not because I was so crazy about Charlie, but because he got so badass in his last episode. He knew he was going to die, and that made him lose all of his fear, and that rocked. Hard.

When Hurley saved the day, I literally jumped out of my seat and cheered. Even though I knew some bad shit was going to go down before the episode was through, I couldn't help but feel that same triumph that all the characters had started to feel.

Last, but most definitely not least, when Jack's flashback was revealed to actually have been a flashforward (maybe? sort of?), my jaw dropped. I've gotten pretty good at seeing plot twists coming, and I didn't see that coming at all. You did it again, writers. You've made me hungry for more.

If you don't watch Lost, then please ignore this post. Also, start watching it. Just go really fast through the middle of season 2 and the beginning of season 3.

Lindsay Lohan is Making Another Album. News to me: Linday Lohan Made a First Album

Add this to the list of things I've learned from Perez Hilton, along with how to use the basic functions of microsoft paint and how to make primary colors part of my hair regime: Lindsay Lohan sings. Seriously, I guess I slept through this portion of Lindsay's career. I didn't know. Someone send me an mpeg of this. I'm reasonably certain that I'll have some more to say about it once I've heard it. Or I guess I could wait for her new tracks which are apparently on the way:

The talented musician, who has such hits as......., is working on a new record this summer.

She tells MTV News, "We'll start in probably June or July and take four months.

Lohan said she's collaborating with Maverick Records CEO Guy Oseary on the disc, which will have an "urban pop" sound.

Yea, you know what this girl needs to kick all those pesky drug habits and get herself straightened out? A concert tour. Those things are like bible study groups. I got on this tour bus one time, and they fed me the body of Christ as soon as I boarded. And then I saw Jesus. And I had this weird baptism with the disciples, and while I felt more "sticky" then I did "reborn," it totally changed my life.

Update: Ashlee tells me this is Lindsay's third album. This leads me to the following inevitable actions:
1) Update and tell you this is Linday's third album, and that on one of the first two she had the audacity to cover Cheap Trick.
2) Shun Ashlee FOREVER.

Source: Perez Hilton

Related Posts: The Lohan Files

Judge This...

Alicia Silverstone is a bitch- Hollywood Offender

Angelina raises awareness and penises at Cannes- Tasteful Society

Looks like that girl won. Gosh she's tall. Wonder what her name is. Look, I don't watch the fucking show, okay? - yeeeah!

Britney takes her clothes off. Again. And it still really really icky and ugly under there.- The Blemish

Matthew MacConaughey steals from Beetlejuice's closet. - ICYDK

Britney let one of the babies out of his cage- Bricks and Stones

Billy Zane shows off his ugly- Agent Bedhead

Porn star goes down on cop, googles "morals", pretends to have them - Glitterati

Doc Martens Pisses on Punk

Kurt Cobain, shown above making Pete Wentz cry, is being used in Doc Martens ads in the UK, along with Sid Vicious, Joey Ramone, and Joe Strummer. The piece of shit spokesman had this to say:

We wanted to communicate that Dr. Martens boots are ‘made to last,’ and we discovered that these idolized musicians wore them. Showing them still wearing their Docs in heaven dramatized the boots’ durability perfectly. And, as images, they feel very iconic.

Butch lesbians also wear Docs, but you don't see an ad campaign featuring Rosie O'Donnell sitting on a cloud (maybe it's because even in a fantasy world where people can sit on clouds, you can't suspend disbelief enough to believe that a cloud could hold Rosie). Why do they need to shit all over these people? Sure, their images are iconic. Let that be what it is. There's no reason to have to make money off of their corpses. Unless it's graverobbing, which I fully support. It's not like they need those fillings anymore.

Source: Punk News

Rosie Whines on her Blog. Again. In Related News, Rosie Failed That Creative Writing Course at the Learning Annex.

If you made it through yesterday without hearing about this, congratulations. That means you don't have the same headache and despair for the daytime television viewing populace as I this morning. Ro and Elisabeth went at it because Elisabeth wouldn't defend Rosie, as her friend, and state for the world that Rosie didn't believe the US troops are terrorists ( a transcript of Rosie's statements can be found here along with some shit commentary spinning it in another direction). The entire thing is absurd, when taken along with the knowledge that Ro has been beating on Elisabeth for months and Elisabeth has never cried about Rosie not acting like her BFF. The ordeal is around ten minutes long, but this clip is just the tail-end of it where Ro is called a coward and I applaud my television. Rosie posted the following to her blog yesterday in response, which has led to speculation as to whether Ro may be leaving the View early due to the on air beating:

a split screen
new heights
or lows
depending on who u ask

is this kelli
no rosie
well hello it is betsy
i saw the view today
and wanted to call u
and just say hi and i hope u r ok

betsy and i chatted
i thanked her
fed the geese
put on amy winehouse

loud
always loud
the soul shakes
the heart awake

like it or not

tomorrow kelli turns 40
i will not be at work

peace out

What is this? Poetry? Is this supposed to be poetry? Where are the rhyming words and the rainbows? For fuck's sake, Ro, you're embarrassing yourself. I wish Mrs Pelios were here right now with her red pen and blackened heart. She always did know how to cut right through your ambitions and fail you for trying. Other things I wish for: a pony, a windfall of spring shoe shopping cash, and reaping capabilities. And I want to be a wizard. And a jedi.

Source: r blog

Related Posts: Three Men and a Webcam

Guess Who's Looking For Some PR?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who are probably pictured above but I can't be sure because I don't know who they are, are engaged. According to US:

Pratt, 23, popped the question to Montag, 20, Tuesday night at the Bacara Resort & Spa in Santa Barbara, says a source who adds: "She said 'yes.' She's over the moon!"

The Hills stars, whose controversial courtship was chronicled last season on the hit MTV reality series, have been dating for just eight months.

US goes on to describe the ring that Pratt bought for Montag, but I stopped reading there because I realized that I'm more interested in the wedding announcements in my local paper than I am in these two. I'm reasonably certain that the rest of the internet is, too.



Lisa Endlicher is set to marry Tim Bowers on October 6, 2007. The ceremony will be held at St Thomas the Apostle RC Church in Oak Ridge, NJ & the reception will be held at The Holiday Inn in Parsippany, NJ.

Awwww...good for them. They look happy. And I hear that Holiday Inn has the best chicken marsala on the eastern seaboard. If Lisa and Tim are reading, maybe you can hook Sug and I up with an invite? We love getting drunk and getting our macarena on. Think about it, is all I'm sayin.

Source: US

Is Jessica Simpson Pregnant?

John Mayer, shown above announcing his invention of the tiny phonograph, may have knocked up Jessica Simpson. That's a claim that may have meant something 5 years ago, but now it's just something that should have Mayer waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.

“Her friends are astounded at how huge Jessica’s breasts have gotten, and are asking each other if she could be pregnant,” a friend of the singer told the Enquirer….

When contacted… her publicist denied that she is expecting. But Jess has undergone physical changes recently that could be related to pregnancy. Jessica’s breasts, for example, seem to be expanding, says another source.

“Her breasts are positively huge, and she really seems to be taking care of herself.

“She’s not saying anything one way or the other when the subject comes up, but women who put on weight don’t smile when someone suggests they might be pregnant,” added the source.

Mayer's been spotted performing at stand-up comedy clubs recently, commenting on his single life. He's also been spotted out and about with Jessica Simpson despite their recent high-profile breakup. But really, big breasts equaling pregnancy? I think that would mean that Jessica Simpson has been pregnant ever since she burst onto the scene. Which means the baby can't be John Mayer's. Or alive. Or human.

Source: Cele|bitchy

Related Posts: John Mayer's Head Is Twice the Size of Jessica Simpson's

Lindsay's Death, Brought to You by Svedka!

Svedka Vodka, pictured above being cold and refreshing, is apparently sponsoring Lindsay Lohan's 21st birthday party. Remember, Lindsay Lohan is currently in Alcoholics Anonymous, which makes the vodka sponsorship particularly confusing.

Alcoholics Anonymous member Lindsay Lohan has lined up Svedka vodka to sponsor her 21st birthday blowout in Las Vegas, a rep for the brand confirmed to us yesterday.

Lindsay’s mother, Dina, has confirmed she is involved with AA. So, in view of the circumstances, is having a vodka maker sponsor the first birthday of legal drinking age a great idea? Her rep said, “I am unaware of who is sponsoring Lindsay’s birthday, as I am not the one planning it.”

But Lohan’s lawyer Mike Heller confirmed the vodka deal. “This should be one of the best parties ever,” he told Us Weekly.

Lindsay's lawyer went on to say, "Yo, this shit's gonna be off the hook, B! The music goes on, the panties come off, and ain't gonna be no sober mofos in da house!"

Source: Yeeeah

Related Posts: Lindsay Lohan Is Probably Going to Die

Jessica Alba Is Inconsiderate, Gorgeous

Jessica Alba, shown above checking for lumps, must hate her boyfriend. She's dating some guy named Cash Warren (I'm not sure if I'm supposed to know who he is or not), but she recently said this:

“I’m not the easiest person to hang with,” she says. “I’m away a lot, and it’s an unconventional life. But if I could find a partner, that would be best. I probably won’t have kids without one.”

And this, about Harold Ford, former congressman from Tennessee:

“He is so cute, he’s adorable, and he’s single,” she says. “I went to one of his fund-raisers.”

I'm not going to say that all my fantasies of being with Jessica Alba just flew out the window, because that'd be a lie and you'd all know it. But really, does she have any tact whatsoever? I wouldn't be surprised if she said these things while Cash Warren was standing next to her. I wouldn't be surprised if after she said them she turned around, looked at him, gave him a condescending little chuckle, and then continued to comment on how she needs a real man. After what point is this not considered a relationship anymore?

Source: Agent Bedhead

Related Posts: Jessica Alba Wants You to Ignore the Obvious

Rachel McAdams Is a Liar and I Don't Care

Rachel McAdams, pictured above being really, really ridiculously good-looking, apparently changes her age depending on who's listening.

The star of Wedding Crashers and The Notebook claims she was born in October 1978, making her 28. But imdb.com puts her birthday in 1976—and those who’ve looked into the matter believe the earlier date may be accurate.

In a November 2005 profile, Details listed McAdams’s age as 29, prompting her then-publicist, Ame Van Iden, to complain vigorously. (McAdams later fired Van Iden, reportedly because the flack booked her to appear nude on Vanity Fair’s cover without her consent.) A Details source says the magazine agreed to run a correction only after Van Iden assured them that IMDb had been notified of its error.

As of yesterday, however, the site was still listing her as 30. When Elle wrote McAdams up for its April cover, it got around the problem by saying, “IMDb states [she] is 30, but [she] is really, truly, ask her mother, 28.”

I sort of don't care what age she is, as long as she stays as hot as she is. I went to see The Hot Chick in the theater (yeah, I know, I make bad decisions), and even though the movie was terrible and her part was minor, she was completely memorable. As a stripper. I think she was a stripper at some point in that movie. If not, I made it up, and it was still awesome.

So what's the point here? The point is that age doesn't matter. Unless you're over 40. That's just gross.

Source: The Evil Beet

Paula Abdul Wasted on TV

I know how odd it is to have 2 posts about Paula Abdul in the space of a day, but look at how damn high she is here. It's pretty ridiculous. I'll let her speak for herself.



Source: Best Week Ever

Related Posts: Paula Abdul Bites It

Katie Holmes Gets a Porno Doppelganger

Katie Holmes, shown above on her knees, is apparently quite miffed at the decision of a pornographic debutante to take the name "Katee Holmes."

A blond-haired, blue-eyed fashion student, who claims to be a virgin, has changed her name to Katee Holmes and is launching a porn career in which she'll be deflowered in her first movie. And that's got the real Katie Holmes' camp in an uproar.

"It's a really cheap shot," a rep for the actress, who's married to Tom Cruise, told Page Six. But Shy Love, an adult film vet who manages the 5-foot-9, 122-pound Katee - a small-town girl from Illinois - insisted: "Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she's done, beginning with 'Dawson's Creek.' "

Well, not quite everything - Holmes did go topless in the 2000 movie "The Gift," but she's shunned any on-screen nudity since tying the knot with Cruise, who's believed to have gotten her sex scene with Aaron Eckhart killed from "Thank You for Smoking."

One, does anybody believe that Katee Holmes is a virgin? Does anybody believe that she didn't lose it under the bleachers freshman year to a second string junior varsity halfback? Yeah, didn't think so.

Two, I barely remember what The Gift was about. I wasn't paying any attention at all, because the only reason we went to see it was that Katie Holmes was going to be topless in it. I remember the audience collectively groaning and thinking, "I hope that wasn't all" when Katie's character's half-naked corpse was dredged from the river. Thankfully, it wasn't. But as I remember it, it wasn't just that she got naked in the movie. She played a straight-up sex fiend, banging just about every guy in the movie. I was pretty sure it was an attempt to get out of that wholesome image (much like when Jessica Biel appeared in Gear magazine while she was on 7th Heaven). This stuff about innocence is nonsense. It's Tom Cruise wanting to control not just Katie Holmes, but anybody who may look or sound vaguely like Katie Holmes.

Source: NY Post

Paula Abdul Bites It

Paula Abdul broke her nose. Entire story. "Tripped over a dog" and broke her nose. Was she drunk? Probably. Was the "dog" invisible? Almost certainly. Guess which blogger doesn't care to investigate it any further? If you guessed "this chick" then you guessed correctly. Nope, this gal has something else to talk about when comes to one Ms Paula I Like To Break The Hearts of Little Girls Everywhere Abdul.

Picture this: New Jersey, 1991. A young Mel's once burgeoning crush on Mr Keanu Reeves has reached it's inevitable apex: this is love in the world of a seventh grade girl. It is the year of Point Break, of Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, of My Own Private Idaho. It is the year that Mel learns to love a man with all that there is to love within her twelve year old heart. Tiger Beat and Bop centerfolds cover her walls. She learns that FBI Special Agent Johnny Utah enjoys the Ramones, the Pixies, Husker Du. Mel cares not for the sound, she listens to them to be close to him. She puffy-paints a tee-shirt with all of his pertinent facts (birth place? Lebanon. birth date? September 2. Played hockey, nicknamed "The Wall", visited my dreams nightly). It was inevitable, regardless of the seventeen year difference in our ages, we would be together. Oh yes, we would be together. Until that hurtful Paula Abdul bitch stepped in and made her "Rush Rush" video with the man of my dreams. She touched him. She KISSED him. She broke my heart. And this just goes to show what happens when you fuck with me. You won't know when. You won't know where. You won't know how. But karma WILL catch up with you. Hey Alyssa Milano: Remember when you dated Corey Haim? Better watch your back, baby.


Source: Extra

Nick Carter Named UN Ambassador

Nick Carter, shown above pledging allegiance to the dark gods, has been named a Special Ambassador of the Year of the Dolphin by the United Nations Environment Program Convention on Migratory Species.

Carter's role will involve raising public awareness about the dangers faced by the marine mammals, which he plans to do in part by penning a new cetacean-themed song and video and donating all proceeds to conservation efforts.

"I am honored to offer my resources and my music to help the United Nations save dolphins and their habitats," Carter said in a statement.

I'm all for people putting their fame to good use, but I don't think Carter really, you know, has any fame. And it seems to me that Special Ambassador of the Year of the Dolphin is pretty much the training pants of UN Ambassadorships. He's not even Ambassador to the Dolphins, which is a pretty worthwhile post. You know, he'd negotiate trade deals with the seven porpoise nations, forge political alliances with the bottlenose contingent, that kind of thing. Instead he's an Ambassador of the Year of the Dolphin, which I'm pretty sure nobody knew even existed.

There's a little bit of horrifying news stuffed in at the end of the article, too. So here you go.

Carter has been working with Howie Dorough, Brian Littrell and A.J. McLean on a new Backstreet album, slated for release this summer.

Yeah. Terrible.

Source: E! Online

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Avril Lavigne Feuds with the Duffs

Avril Lavigne, shown above doing her best impression of what Jennifer Aniston would look like if she got punched in the face, evidently has a long-standing feud with Hilary Duff (and her older, more busted sister Haylie).

Avril Lavigne and the Duff sisters, Hilary and Haylie, were both invited to attend Maxim’s Hot 100 Party at the Hotel Gansevoort last week, but a long-simmering feud made handlers go to great lengths to keep them apart.

There's a grammatical detail in that sentence that really, really bugs me. They say, without the "Hilary and Haylie" set off by commas, that Avril Lavigne and the Duff sisters were both invited. That is, they refer to the Duff sisters as a singular entity. Which is horribly frightening, but somewhat amusing at the same time. Because maybe they're like Station, the crazy Martian scientist(s) from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. If that's the case, Avril had better watch out, because Hilary and Haylie will jump into each other in the parking lot and form one giant Duff that can build robots out of stuff from Radio Shack. And when the Duff sisters build robots, nobody wins.

Source: MSNBC

Related Posts: Avril Takes the Next Obvious Step

Calum Best's Friend Has Never Had Sex

Calum Best, shown above playing pallbearer to his own burgeoning career, bragged to a friend of his recently about how good Lindsay Lohan is in bed.

“He told me Lindsay’s really insatiable when it comes to sex. [He said] ’she’s dynamite between the sheets… No girl I’ve ever slept with comes close’.”

“Calum was knocked out by her body. He said she’s got one of the best he’s ever seen with all the curves in the right places. He joked Lindsay loved being on top during sex and controlling the pace but sometimes he felt he needed ear muffs because she screamed so much during sex.”

“Calum explained that because Lindsay was so fit he would often find it hard to keep up with her demands. Lindsay likes her sex rough and passionate and Calum says he has the bruises and bumps to prove it.”

I can't be the only one who reads this and immediately thinks of Steve Carell's character in The 40 Year Old Virgin. Can I? Seriously, picture this being read in the same tone of voice that Carell says, eyes cast downward:

"I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, 'Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!' And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, 'Oh, you're nailing me! cool!'"

Conclusion? Either Calum Best likes to hang out with virgins, or Calum Best has never had sex before. I'd only believe the second one if it was changed to say "Calum Best has never had sex with anybody sober before." But that just goes without saying. Even though I said it. Shut up.

Source: The Blemish

Related Posts: Lindsay Lohan Is Acting Like Lindsay Lohan

Hasselhoff Gets Temporary Full Custody!

David Hasselhoff, shown above in a picture the judge should probably see before making his final decision, has been awarded temporary full custody of his children. He's got 'em all to himself for two full weeks, and all because his silly ex refused to take a silly drug test and was abusive to the silly kids. Activist judges, I tell you.

I've been vocal in my defense of Hasselhoff. It's partly because I feel bad for him, but mostly because I feel really, really bad for him. There are any number of drunker parents out there right now neglecting their kids, but because Hasselhoff's video showed up on Entertainment Tonight, everybody had to say it was "shocking" and "revelatory" and "the funniest shit I've ever seen."* This is not to say that parents should have the freedom to just neglect their duties and be drunk around their kids all the time. Far from it. I'm merely saying that the dude deserves another chance, and the media was quick to not even give him a first. Screw them.

*That one may have been me

Source: Dlisted

Related Posts: Hasselhoff Loses Visitation Rights
Hasselhoff's Nanny Scares Hasselhoff's Ex

John Rambo Kills Everyone

Sylvester Stallone, shown above explaining in grisly detail how to fit a fist down a human throat, scares me. Not in real life, as the man so afraid of being manly that he throws testosterone out the window. No, he scares me as John Rambo, the man so manly that he turns people into steaming piles of blood and gore with their own guns. Seriously. Watch the video below. It's not safe for work, unless work lets you vomit all over your desk.



Source: The Blemish

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Paris and Nicole Are Lying Liars Who Lie

This painfully simple clip is supposed to be Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie making up after their famed "feud" for the upcoming season of The Simple Life. And except for it being entirely scripted and planned, and for the fact that it's in a restaurant when Nicole clearly doesn't eat and Paris isn't ordering off any menu that doesn't serve cock, it's really heartwarming. Paris sits shooting daggers into Nicole as she tells her that she didn't say "half" that stuff and blames the tabloids for making it up. Then she tells Paris that she can smell her lady garden and asks her to wear slacks during the next shot to barricade a bit of it back into the delta from whence it came. Then Paris smacks her with a baguette, and Nicole bursts into flames from having been touched by actual food. Then the screen goes all black and the emergency broadcast system comes on. And you know what? Fuck these two for saying anything has ever been made up about them. When you act like this, there's no need to delve into one's imagination for material. Seriously.