I Have a Blog?

Sug's in Vegas. I've been training a new person at work for a week. You know when you learn the definition of "busy?" When you're so busy you don't have time to type out much more than "I'm busy." Just figured I'd give you guys a heads up, and there it is. I really hope by the end of the week this all clears up. If all goes well by next Monday my new girl will be trained and I'll be all moved into my new condo and can go back to gossiping as usual. Until then, here's my list of the top five celebrities I'd like to sleep with. Talk amongst yourselves:

Larry David
Bret McKenzie
Conan O'Brien
Daniel Radcliffe
Zach Braff

Ranger Reaches for the Stars: Britney Spears

I'm sure just about everyone has heard about this by now, but evidently, Britney Spears-Federline (shown above apparently doing her best bald Rosie impersonation) is now going around threatening to kill photographers who invade the personal space of her bodyguard's punchin' hand.

Rather than crack jokes about Brit's growing list of back up for an insanity defense, or making wisecracks about whether or not celebrity bodyguards get paid extra for going into roid rage on the job, I'm going to be a better person. I'm going to reach out, and say what everyone else is thinking.

Britney... this is your internet intervention.

Now now, sit down, darlin'. This'll only take a minute. I'm not gonna rag on you or anything, we just need to talk, okay? Get yourself a nice iced tea or something and have a seat.

Alright, y'all comfy, hun? Okay. Now, listen. You need to chill out, okay hun? Yes, yes, I know you're having a rough time lately, with the divorce from that guy no one had ever heard of before you married him, and the pictures of your snatch all over the internet and all. No, no... Britney, no.

Settle down, sugar, and listen. I'm just telling it like it is. Think of me as your personal Dr. Phil, only with more hair and less self-righteousness. Jury's still out on which of us is more full of shit, though.

See, there, you're smiling! That's a good start. Now, let's get down to business, because I know you're a busy girl. Are you listening? Brit, look me in the eye, baby. YOU. NEED. TO. RE. LAX!

I dunno, girl. You're the star, you've got houses everywhere and more money than I'll ever see. Go to Bali and lounge around on the beach for a month or something. Take some time off, grow your hair out, and stop being a crazy wench. That last part is key.

Look at that picture of you up there, all bald-headed and swelled up like a monkey. You used to be pretty, girl. First time I saw the video for "Hit me baby one more time", and you were shaking your thing in that little schoolgirl get-up, I got a little happy in the pants. I'm a big enough man to admit that. Then you went through your little stripper phase; and I'll admit, I might have pounded one (or five) out to that video of you ripping your clothes off on that MTV awards show. Yeah, yeah, I'm easily aroused, but still... you used to have it going on, honey.

But then you got married, and you had a couple babies, and now you're just getting all... weird. I'm not even gonna razz you for not being in shape. God knows I'm gonna be fighting any orcs for Sparta. But honey... seriously.. you've gone from "Vaguely hot slutty girl" to "That crazy skank who stands on the corner barking at passing cars like a dog."

So what you need to do, is take a little time, get yourself sorted out. Grow your hair back out, do something about those bags under your eyes, maybe stop hitting the appletinis so hard... No, no... Britney, come on honey, no one's gonna steal your babies. It'll be okay, I promise. You quit worrying your little head about that, because it's not gonna happen. Just take some time off, out of the spotlight, take care of them babies, get your divorce all settled. Then, once you got yourself back together, you can make a nice comeback and everyone'll love you again.

Because girl, I gotta level with you... the more of this crazy shit you pull, like threatening to kill people and shit... yeah, that was bad, Britney. But anyways, the more of this stuff you do, the more likely Kevin's gonna be to get custody of those kids.

And trust me, baby, neither I nor anyone else I know wants that. Rest of us don't like that idea any more than you do. Mainly because it'll just mean we have to keep hearing about his sorry ass, but still..

But just... take a time out, that's all I'm saying, darlin'. You're not helping anyone, least of all yourself, with what you been doing lately. Yes, I know, you gotta go. That's fine, you just think about what I said, let it slosh in your brain there for awhile. I'll be here when you get back. And Britney... leave the umbrella at home, sugar.

Okay, take care of youself, honey. Have yaself a good one.

White Folk Aren't Down With The Lingo, or Something

And now, a public service announcement from Kanye West:

"Only white people and older black people say 'bling' now. If a white person uses slang too early, then that makes them look like a wigger. But if black people use slang too late, then it makes them look like a wigger."

Hmmmm...does this mean I should suppress my urges to say things like "holla" and "fo shizzle" now, too? Thanks for the 411, homey! Peace out!

Source: NY Post

Sug, Ranger, and Will are gonna hate me for this...

This is a clip from Wednesday night's So You Think You Can Dance. I'm not posting it to make fun of it or anything of the sort for once. This is Lacey and Neil performing a contemporary routine from Mia Michaels. Mia, incidentally, was nominated for an Emmy for last year's routine "The Park Bench," which I thought couldn't possibly be topped. Then came this routine, "Time," which is about Mia reuniting with her father in heaven, and I find myself entirely floored. I want to dip Mia Michaels in gold and put her on my mantel. I'd like to tie her up and force her to dance pretty-like for me every night. Or maybe I'll just continue my daily youtubing excursions for Mia Michaels routines and then stare dreamily at my monitor and wonder how she and I could become friends. My confession: I cried watching this on Wednesday, and again when I found it this morning. It's beautiful, and I'm posting it. Deal.

Perez is Such a Twat

Perez asks the question "Heroes star Hayden Panettiere, 17, is holding this vibrating dildo because _______."

The entire world answers "Because of photoshop, Perez. Because of photoshop."

Is it possible to despise his antics more than I already do? The answer is a loud and resounding "YES!" Christ, Perez, google that shit first, man.

(original unphotoshopped pic here at celebritystyleguide.com and here at wwtdd. It took 30 seconds to find this. Gods, it was exhausting.)

Jessica Simpson Should Give Up. Seriously.

Jessica Simpson's new movie, Blonde Ambition, is rumored to be a straight to dvd flop. To blame, say sources, is Simpson herself:

“The movie is absolutely horrible,” says a source. “It’s just a bomb, mainly because of Jessica’s acting.”

Counter’s Simpson’s rep: “It’s definitely a theatrical release.”

A rep for the movie studio tells Us, “The final distribution plans have not been confirmed, so it would be premature to comment at this time.”

Is this really much of a surprise? Remember The Dukes of Hazzard? Yea, there's an hour and a half of your life you'll never get back. She was cast as a ditzy Southern blonde and couldn't pull it off. Impressive work for someone who is living her day to day life as a ditzy Southern blonde. To be honest, it doesn't look like anyone on this film was really even trying. Look at that wig. The hair and makeup people on this film have never heard of WIG TAPE? A mop on top of her head would look more natural. God I can't wait until Joe Simpson just gives up and drowns this one.


Source: US

Nicole Richie is Sensible

You actually read that right. I did indeed say that Nicole Richie is sensible. Or, at least, Nicole Richie is spinning her DUI way better than Paris did. In a recent interview with Diane Sawyer, to air in three parts on Thursday and Friday, Richie commented:

"I kept making, you know, bad decisions or mistake after mistake after mistake and I wasn't growing. I wasn't going anywhere," she says. "And I saw myself start to go down that road again with this particular situation."

She appeared somber when Sawyer brought up the 16,000 people a year who are killed due to drunk driving.

“If I could personally apologize to every single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving, I would,” Richie says. “And unfortunately I can’t, but this is my way of paying my dues and taking responsibility and being an adult.”

It's entirely possible that this is just excellent coaching from a publicist, but something in me is feeling kind and trusting this afternoon (calm yourself, it doesn't happen all that often) and I'm opting to believe that her pregnancy has given her a wake up call and she's consciously attempting to change the way she lives her life. Of course, she could also very well shave her head and start spitting cheetos at the photogs in a couple of months. Babbies'll do that to you, I heard. Whatever. The interview hasn't aired yet and I'm already losing interest.

Check out the skills on this blind chick, yo


Source: US