Don't Eff With Suresh: A Look at Tonight's Heroes Premiere

Even though our keyword activity points toward the notion that we have mostly fans of Britney and Lindsay here and very little else, I shall continue this season with my weekly Heroes clips. Below you'll find seven clips of tonight's season premiere, which looks...sort of boring. Suresh is still hot and pouty, Claire's hair has lost some of it's bounce and she predictably befriends a geeky outsider at her new school, and there's two new Mexicans running from...something. Oh, and Hiro is still strangely adorable. I wish I could say I have high hopes for this season, but since last season ended with a Hallmark-inspired whimper, I'll be keeping my options open. I can still re-watch the Paradise Hotel marathon, if need be.

As the second volume of “Heroes” begins, the fates of Peter (Milo Ventimiglia), Nathan (Adrian Pasdar) and Matt (Greg Grunberg) are revealed, following the horrible showdown with Sylar (Zachary Quinto) and Peter’s uncontrolled nuclear detonation miles above New York City. As everyone attempts to move on, a new sinister force begins stalking and murdering Heroes. With the family hiding in Southern California, H.R.G. (Jack Coleman) and Claire (Hayden Panettiere) attempt to live as inconspicuously as possible, which proves to be easier said than done. Meanwhile, after landing in feudal Japan, Hiro (Masi Oka) meets his hero Takezo Kensei (David Anders). Twins Maya (Dania Ramirez) and Alejandro Herrera (Shalim Ortiz) hope to make the crossing into the U.S. from Mexico, in hopes of finding help with their deadly abilities.

Source: Heroes the Series

The Boss Turns 58

It's looking to be a busy morning, so the only news I have is that which I know off the top of my head: Bruce Springsteen turned 58 yesterday, and he's still the sexiest sonnuvabitch to grace the Garden State or any other. To celebrate, here's a grainy video of Rosalita live in 1978. The '76 video was more visually pleasing, but c'mon...everyone who's anyone knows that 1978 was THE Springsteen tour. Duh. Plus, Clarence has on the pinkest suit EVER. Bless him.

Kim Kardashian is Shy

I've had about enough of this girl and her "oops, I totally didn't mean to show you my ass" ways, but whatever. She's news and search engine traffic, for sure. So along comes news of Kim Kardashian and her Playboy spread:

A Playboy source tells Us that Kardashian's shoot reveals more than originally planned. Though her body is mostly draped in sheets and jewelry, the source says that Kardashian "will show one boob, and her bare butt."

Kardashian's 12-page pictorial "will be one of the longest spreads Hef has done in a long time," says the source. In fact, the source says, Kardashian and Hef are choosing the final photos for the spread today.

And of course, scenes from the Playboy shoot will show up in Kardashian's upcoming E! reality show.

Yea. I'm sure the spread reveals more than was originally planned. Because when you set up a twelve page spread with Playboy, you bring along your turtlenecks and expect to talk Tolstoy. Why can't she just once own up to the fact that she does, indeed, want you to see her naked? Hmmm? I might respect that, just a teensy bit. Not much, but a little, and that's got to count for something. But no, she's all "Oh noes! My private sex tape leaked to the internet and now people actually know who I am," and "Yea, I posed in Playboy, and oh my God my BOOB slipped out! Can you believe it? I'm so embarrassed!" Kim. Kim. Honey...seriously. I've seen your labia. Let's drop the coy act, okay?


Source: Us Weekly

Claire and Peter Bump Pink Parts

So the newest little buzz around Hayden Panettiere is that she's opened up her heart and her vagina for co-star, Milo Ventimiglia:

Hayden and Milo get cozy, comfy and intimate at the Duran Duran concert staged at Disney Hall in downtown Los Angeles, an official after-party of the Emmy Awards. They seem quite in love as they touch and take pictures in the midst of the crowd, and towards the end of the sequence Hayden spots our tiny video camera recording it all across the crowded hall.

Eh. I mean, sure, they're dancing. And they take a picture together. And she rubs her newly legal tushy all up on his d...but I'm not sure any of this merits the captions of "secret love" or "lovers" that were so cleverly added to the video. I'm disappointed, to be sure. Not only was there none of the "intimacy" promised, but they certainly didn't appear to be "quite in love," and there was absolutely no sign of crumping. I saw Bring it On: All or Nothing, Hayden. I expect better of you. Namely, I expect you to bring it.

Source: Hollywood.tv

O.J. is NOT good for you.

This isn't really "celebrity gossip" as much as "breaking has-been news", but what the hell; everyone else is talking about it:

O.J. Simpson* will be in court today, charged with kidnapping, armed robbery, and assault with a deadly weapon. This is just a prelim, but if the Juice gets found guilty on all charges, he could serve life in prison.

Oh my goodness.

The whole thing started in Vegas on Thursday, when someone informed America's least favorite Simpson (next to Jessica and Ashlee's dad) that someone had some OJ collectibles for sale. OJ took this to mean someone was selling his stolen property, rounded up his peeps, and slammed the guys in question with some good old fashioned black rage.

(That's Ranheru VanZant- going for the racially insensative joke since at least 1986, but probably even longer, ladies and gentlemen.)

But anyways, OJ and his boys showed up, talked some smack, then fled from the scene with the re-stolen goods stuffed into pillowcases and bedsheets. To make it all even better, the victims of this ordeal just happened to have a tape recorder going during the spin and raree.

Oh.. my.. goodness.

Due to the tape recording, some people are already speculating that OJ was set up (again?). Intrepid douche bags and Wal-Mart to DJM's "Family Hardware", TMZ.com, posted a copy of this tape at 10 eastern last night. Now I've only heard a short snippet of the tape, but I have to say... even if this is a crime involving OJ, something about the tape does sound shady.

To start with, OJ, apparently, was only capable of saying "You think you can steal my s**t?" about 20 million times. I would think a guy who was in "The Naked Gun" could be a little more clever. But what really made me go "Hmm, nothin a'tall fishy bout dat, nosiree" was what one of the victims said near the end:

I'm going to call the police and tell them we were just robbed at gunpoint by OJ Simpson"

That was the line that REALLY got my attention. Read that again and think about it for a moment. Hell, go over to TMZ and listen to the tape, if you want. Then come back, and think for a moment, then tell me: Does it sound like the guy is saying "I'm calling the cops, we just got robbed by OJ!" or does it sound like he's saying "I'm gonna tell the cops OJ pulled a gun on us. *wink wink nudge nudge*"?

Meanwhile, Fred Goldman is running around with his hand out like a hobo in the wishing fountain, demanding that the objects the dispute occurred over be given to him immediately, because he apparently owns anything OJ ever looked at. I just wanted to slide that in, because the way the guy chases OJ around like a pissy ex-wife annoys me. I'm serious, OJ could pick up a penny off the sidewalk, and there'd be a cloud of sulfur erupting in front of him. And when it cleared, Goldman and his dozen lawyers would be standing there looking like a commercial for an accounting firm at tax time.**

Anyways, yeah, something about this deal stinks worse than Nicole Brown's corpse after three days in the summer sun. The fact that these guys just happened to be wired when OJ's boys kicked down the door like Sigourney Weaver saving an orphaned colonist just doesn't sit quite right. Guess we'll just have to stay tuned to how this trial of the century turns out, won't we?

But hey, it's OJ. That makes the question not "Is he guilty?", but "Who cares?"

Oh, one more thing: did I mention that one of the victims apparently died of a heart attack a few days after sustaining a vicious barrage of not-very-nice shouting? No? Well, that's what I heard on the news.

Oh noez! The Brentwood Slasher strikes again!

OH

MY

GOODNESS!

*- And isn't that just the perfect picture of Le Jus up there?

**- And before I get more whiny, barely literate hate comments: Yes, I know Goldman's son was murdered. Yes, I know the family won a wrongful death lawsuit again Simpson. But when you're on national TV demanding someone's old junk mail, you might be going beyond the grounds of good sense just a tiny bit.

Owen Wilson Has Shitty Friends and Colleagues

By now you've all heard that the man with the ugliest nose in Hollywood attempted suicide. I don't mean to make light of it, because I like his work and I feel for those in the grips of depression. That's what made this news all the more shocking to me.

It’s hush-hush and strictly confidential, but tragic comedy star Owen Wilson didn’t “quit” his movie after that drug-fueled suicide bid - my spy reveals he was actually fired by pal Ben Stiller and mogul Steven Spielberg… although both agonized endlessly over how to deliver the blow without sending him over the edge! Even as Wilson was rushed to Cedars-Sinai, director Stiller and producer Spielberg - under the gun because “Tropic Thunger” rolls next month - huddled desperately, debating two major points: (1) Could Wilson recover fast enough to handle the grueling shoot; and (2) would insurers of the multimillion Dreamworks flick underwrite a drug-taker/suicide risk?

This news is shocking, but not as shocking as the fact that a Naitonal Enquirer columnist apparently thinks there's' a film in production called "Tropic Thunger." I can't say those two words to myself without laughing. Try it. "Tropic Thunger." Heh. "Tropic Thunger." Heh. See?

But anyway, with friends like these, who needs crippling bouts of depression and suicide attempts? Is it not possible to put a hold on shooting until one of the stars gets out of the hospital? I guess my basic human decency would be nothing but a liability in Hollywood.

Most importantly, though, I wonder how they'll get a nose as horrifying as Owen Wilson's to replace him in "Tropic Thunger." Heh. The only ones that immediately come to mind are these two.

1) Jared Leto in Fight Club



2) Jack Nicholson in Chinatown

Please pick the best nose in the comments.

Source: Celebitchy

Criss Angel- not so much a "mindfreak" as much as "just a freak".

EDIT: I thought I posted this like... three days ago. Sorry fans.

First off, I know this has already been covered to death... but I feel the need to follow up on my previous posting in light of current events.

Britney. *shakes head* Britney, Britney, Britney. I tried to tell you, didn't I? You can blame your stilletto heels, or your last minute change of routine, but we all know what the real problem is, don't we honey?

I don't like to say I told you so, but... I did.

And with that said, since he's been brought up, I'd now like to rip on Criss Angel for a while.

Criss Angel, as some of you are no doubt painfully aware, is a big pile of refuse that fell off the goth wagon and landed in David Copperfield's old routine, then skidded through a puddle of Yuri Gellar before coming to a stop on the edge of a red carpet somewhere. Apparently, he and Britney are now somehow tangentally involved, and her big comeback special the other night was botched because MTV decided at the last minute that having Senor Angeles bamfing Brit all over the stage would be "too complex".

Now, I've seen a few episodes of Angel's show. I have to say I wasn't really impressed. I've seen hypnosis and levitation and all that before, and the "I'm so Xcore" spin doesn't really do anything to jazz it up. But I was even less impressed with Criss himself.

I mean, look at the guy. I... don't even know what that looks like. I do know if I saw it running around in my backyard, I'd get out the compound bow. Also, what's with the minicuffs and all the silver chains/dangles? Is he trying to be the white Mister T or something? Guy's wearing more crosses than the Pope at a funeral. And that hair... sweet Buddha, the hair! It's like Amy Winehouse got caught in the rain without a bonnet. At least he's not all guylinered and eye-shadowed up in the above photo. On the last two episodes of Mindfreak I caught, dude had on more make up than Bozo the Clown.

Wow, three pop culture references in one paragraph, two of them from the 80s. Add in the papal wisecrack, and I am seriously on my game today, folks.

But seriously, what the hell? You'd think a guy who can make people pass out from looking at a poster could at least afford a wardrobe that didn't look like it came from Hot Topic. Although, given the exorbitant prices Hot Topic charges for vinyl hot pants and faux-ironic Nintendo shirts, you'd about have to be rich to shop there.

As with most people who are vaguely famous, I don't get the hype around this guy. And personally, I think Britney was all uncoordinated because she was still coming up out of whatever trance this guy put on her to get in her sequined panties. But, that's just my take on it.

Vanessa Hudgens Is Super Scandalous! And Naked!

Well, I tried to stay away from this whole Vanessa Hudgens naked pic scandal simply because I didn't feel like finding out who she was, but the bitch won't quit. Rumors are now circulating that there is now a Vanessa Hudgens nude video:

The clip shows Vanessa sitting in front of a Christmas tree wearing only a Santa hat, pasties to cover her breasts and a red thong with mistletoe decoration. Slowly Vanessa took off her 'attributes' one by one and murmured "I want Santa come up my chimney because I've been a good little girl this year.' at the end of her 'striptease'.

Alright, so the girl done took her clothes off for her phone. Let's be real...when I was her age I'd do this shit in front of the mirror to determine whether or not I was sexy enough to finally take my clothes off for a boy. You heard me. I was a late bloomer. Anyhoodle...she has better technology then I did, is all. This is sort of like when I'd call my own answering machine and sing into it so I could determine via playback whether or not I had the chops for that singing career I'd always dreamed of (I don't). Except, she's trying to determine if she has the chops to be a slut. Same concept, different career goals. Let the poor lamb find her way, folks.

Source: National Ledger

Update: Check it. This is sourced from the National Ledger. The National Ledger sourced Hollyscoop. Hollyscoop sourced...nobody, actually. The same story appears with the same exact quote on AceShowbiz, who sources THEM Weekly. THEM weekly, incidentally, is "a satirical website that presents news of fresh folly and disaster daily". Except THEM Weekly doesn't actually contain any content, but they DO direct you to Postcards From The Pug Bus. On Postcards From The Pug Bus you can find the story about Vanessa Hudgens, which sources THEM Weekly...yea. There's a video of this girl, all right, and in it she's flossing her teeth and reading to the elderly. Scandalous!

If I Taught Tommy Lee's English Class

As most of you probably know, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, both exes of Pamela Anderson (as well as both being ex-relevant, or something), got into a little dustup at the VMAs over the weekend. As fights go, it seems to have been pretty lame. But it prompted Tommy Lee to pen a stunning literary exploration of his emotions in the wake of the traumatic event. I won't comment on its content, as I can't bring myself to care. Instead, I will treat it as though it had been submitted to the cruel red pen of my high school English teacher.

Yeah!! .....here I am minding my own biz having a great time with my friend Criss Angel (magician) and watching the MTV awards in the front row saying hello to all my friends......Pamela comes and sits on my lap who I love and adore

Tommy, I don't understand. Are you trying to say that you love and adore your lap? This personification of one of your body parts seems out of place and odd in such an essay. Think about cutting it from future drafts. But if you are indeed saying you love your lap, then you should change the "who" to a "whom."

Also, I saw the telecast in question, and since you were sitting at a table, it's a bit misleading to say that you were sitting in the front row. Please amend.

....and also say hello to my friend Travis Barker and his wife!

More confusing language, Tommy. I think I know what you mean to say, but your sentence structure seems only to entreat the reader to personally greet Travis Barker and his wife. Please fix this.

.....and i get a text from another friend P. Diddy and he says come sit with me.....and he's sitting with Miss HOT Megan FOX so I go over and sit with P!

At this point, Tommy, I question the relevance of these details to the story. It seems as though you're trying to bolster your position simply by name-dropping. You should also have quotes around "come sit with me." Think about excising this whole section.

Not a minute later and Alicia Keys starts her amazing performance....("I apologize sweetie.....I had nothing to do with the timing and disrespect")......back to the stupid-ness!!

Tommy, the word is "stupidity." Even if it was "stupidness," it wouldn't need the hyphen. This is simply sloppy.

....so.....

The overuse of ellipses had been getting tiresome, but this is the last straw. Surrounding one word with ellipses on either side is not grammatically correct by any standard. Please omit.

I get a tap on the shoulder from Kid Pebble...I stand up and embrace him with a semi hug and say "Hey dude...What up"?? He punches me in the face.....well if ya wanna call it that!?....more like a bitch slap!.......Wuss!!

First, the question mark after "What up" should go inside the quotation mark. Second, there only needs to be one. The same goes for the exclamation marks after "Wuss." What's more, the sentence "well if ya wanna call it that" should be appended to the previous sentence (with a comma, Tommy, not an ellipsis), and the question mark should be eliminated, as the sentence is clearly not a question. Did your children write this? Perhaps somebody else's children?

Anyway....i go to knock this jealous country bumpkin the f$%k OUT....and before I can have a meeting with my fist and his ugly ass mug ....security guards... grab me and haul my ass outta the award show!

Tommy, this is absurd. Every ellipsis in this sentence, excepting the last one, should be replaced with a comma. A factual accounting of the story shouldn't include such profanity. Please rewrite.

So I'm fine and of course leave to my room with police and owner of the Palm's George Maloof......the rest is paper work and bullshit!... Anyway...... I would like to apologize to Alicia and George and MTV for the disrespectful bullshit caused by a piece of shit called Kid Pebble!!

Much Love
always!!.....Tommy!!

Again, you only need one exclamation point at a time, Tommy. Profanity should be kept to a minimum. "Palm's" should not have an apostrophe. What's more, if this is to be an accounting of the situation, you'd do well to use the real names of those involved, rather than shabby attempts at humor.

Tommy, the best I can do is to give you an incomplete and ask you to submit your final draft tomorrow, which I will reduce by a whole letter grade. You've been to college. Frankly, I expect better than you. If this is to be taken as your final draft, then I will have no choice but to fail you for the semester. I know it's only September, but this is that bad. Don't make me do this.

Source: TMZ

This Guy Seems to Have Life All Figured Out

Dear Crazy Britney Fan,

You're out of your gods damned mind.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mel

P.S. Hiding under a sheet while you make your video doesn't mean the leather-clad gentleman in the next room is loading the tranquilizer gun any more slowly.

P.P.S. Please see Pete Wentz's "Tips on Guyliner" before attempting this look again. I don't condone it, but if you're gonna do it, do it right. Spring for some MAC so that shit doesn't run when you masturbate with a knife while "Oops...I Did it Again" plays on repeat, for crying out loud.

The Bachelor Joins The Axis of Evil

I don't have much experience with The Bachelor. I enjoy my fair share of reality programming, but there isn't much I can tell you about The Bachelor, so this is really just a pleasant distraction from 337 headlines about Britney for me:

I guess that’s why The Bachelor’s Andy Baldwin called off the engagement to the show’s winner, Tessa Horst … he’s dating former Miss Iran, Sepideh Haftgoli.

Sunday the couple was spotted in an L.A. park getting their cuddle on.

Sepideh has also reportedly dated ‘Friends’ star, David Schwimmer.

That there's one pretty Iranian. I dated an Iranian in high school (he insisted he was "Persian") but he looked more like Jagdish, the kindly foreigner who ran the Shell station at the corner and sold me cigarettes when I was a mere innocent thirteen years old. So, you know, dodged two bullets there, Senor Bachelor. Not only did you not end up with some sad little thing who had to resort to reality television to find her true love, but you also didn't end up with one who would try with all his heart to get you to "please, Ms Melissa, you just come with me to my home!" Score.

Source: Allie is Wired

Britney's Vagina. Again. Gods, I'm So Tired of This Thing.

Hmmm, when you've just tanked your overly-advertised "comeback" performance live on Mtv and have then have your entire life laughed at by the quirky jew-girl, what on earth do you DO to make the world a better place again? If you guessed "flash your pantiless vagina" you would be wrong, but you would be thinking like our own Ms Spears.

You know we don't pay for paparazzi photos here, so check them out at WWTDD and then come back and enjoy some Bret and Jemaine.

I Have Nightmares Like This

You ever have one of those dreams where for some reason you're in a play or a dance recital, but you've managed to skip out on every single rehearsal so you're forced on stage in your underthings and can do little more than bop around seconds after everyone else looking ridiculous and confused while you forget all of the lines you knew damn well you should have been rehearsing in front of your entire family and Dave Coulier (I don't know why...I dream about him a lot) who are looking on in anticipation from the audience? Yea. Even those nightmares are less embarrassing to watch than this. Congratulations, Brit. I'm older than you, I make less money than you, but for once in my life I finally have a better body and reputation than you. Welcome to my happy day, y'all. Wrap a snake around yo neck and get comfy.



P.S. I flat out refuse to give any credibility to the spin her publicist put on this about how she heard Sarah Silverman's joke before going out on stage and therefore couldn't perform.

P.P.S. Why was Paris Hilton wearing Blanche from Golden Girls' hair last night? Didn't anyone tell her that looked absurd? I thought for sure that Sarah Silverman would...

P.P.P.S. I love Sarah Silverman. And strawberry milkshakes. And pandas.

Thanks to Pretty on the Outside for the header art.

Welcome to Musictown, May I Service You?

We have a blog here. For the past month I've been working. Like, actual work. Sucks. My temp is from the devil and my company has been bought. Bought by a big old fish. A fish so big that every day I walk into the office and await the arrival of my Musictown apron. If you don't know the reference and the quote, get the fuck out. Seriously. Where does that leave our blog? Don't know. I don't want to go away from it, to be sure, but damn if I can find the time I once gave to it. Will and Ranger are, I think, dead. Or something. Likely they just realized quickly that you can only say so much about Britney's vagina before you run out of the rum that allows you to give thought to such things. Sug and I went through those very same duldrums, which is what has made it so easy to allow work to take over without feeling too many pangs of guilt for neglecting this place. Those pangs have begun striking at me now, however. More than I miss Britney's vagina, I miss a place to talk badly about others which doesn't result in me having to run through the mall for doing that talking at a volume which allows others to hear me laughing at their hideous peasant blouses.

What am I getting at? Expect me in a limited capacity. I need somewhere to bitch about Avril Lavigne thinking she's original. I need somewhere to discuss the fact that Fox Reality Network is AWESOME and reran the entire season of Paradise Hotel this past weekend. I need somewhere to question the morality of a world that allows Hiltons and Olsens to show at Fashion Week. I need people who can ponder along with me just who in the hell Vanessa Hudgens is and why I'm supposed to care that she's naked. And also, wasn't that LC sex tape scandal like five months ago? Why doesn't Ryan Seacrest bitchslap people for bringing up five month old scandals on his show? These are the sort of things I need to discuss, and you are the only people with whom it is suitable to discuss them. Sound the trumpets. I have an internet connection and a bottle of Black Label at home, and I'm fixing to make fun of people.