Criss Angel- not so much a "mindfreak" as much as "just a freak".

EDIT: I thought I posted this like... three days ago. Sorry fans.

First off, I know this has already been covered to death... but I feel the need to follow up on my previous posting in light of current events.

Britney. *shakes head* Britney, Britney, Britney. I tried to tell you, didn't I? You can blame your stilletto heels, or your last minute change of routine, but we all know what the real problem is, don't we honey?

I don't like to say I told you so, but... I did.

And with that said, since he's been brought up, I'd now like to rip on Criss Angel for a while.

Criss Angel, as some of you are no doubt painfully aware, is a big pile of refuse that fell off the goth wagon and landed in David Copperfield's old routine, then skidded through a puddle of Yuri Gellar before coming to a stop on the edge of a red carpet somewhere. Apparently, he and Britney are now somehow tangentally involved, and her big comeback special the other night was botched because MTV decided at the last minute that having Senor Angeles bamfing Brit all over the stage would be "too complex".

Now, I've seen a few episodes of Angel's show. I have to say I wasn't really impressed. I've seen hypnosis and levitation and all that before, and the "I'm so Xcore" spin doesn't really do anything to jazz it up. But I was even less impressed with Criss himself.

I mean, look at the guy. I... don't even know what that looks like. I do know if I saw it running around in my backyard, I'd get out the compound bow. Also, what's with the minicuffs and all the silver chains/dangles? Is he trying to be the white Mister T or something? Guy's wearing more crosses than the Pope at a funeral. And that hair... sweet Buddha, the hair! It's like Amy Winehouse got caught in the rain without a bonnet. At least he's not all guylinered and eye-shadowed up in the above photo. On the last two episodes of Mindfreak I caught, dude had on more make up than Bozo the Clown.

Wow, three pop culture references in one paragraph, two of them from the 80s. Add in the papal wisecrack, and I am seriously on my game today, folks.

But seriously, what the hell? You'd think a guy who can make people pass out from looking at a poster could at least afford a wardrobe that didn't look like it came from Hot Topic. Although, given the exorbitant prices Hot Topic charges for vinyl hot pants and faux-ironic Nintendo shirts, you'd about have to be rich to shop there.

As with most people who are vaguely famous, I don't get the hype around this guy. And personally, I think Britney was all uncoordinated because she was still coming up out of whatever trance this guy put on her to get in her sequined panties. But, that's just my take on it.

This Guy Seems to Have Life All Figured Out

Dear Crazy Britney Fan,

You're out of your gods damned mind.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mel

P.S. Hiding under a sheet while you make your video doesn't mean the leather-clad gentleman in the next room is loading the tranquilizer gun any more slowly.

P.P.S. Please see Pete Wentz's "Tips on Guyliner" before attempting this look again. I don't condone it, but if you're gonna do it, do it right. Spring for some MAC so that shit doesn't run when you masturbate with a knife while "Oops...I Did it Again" plays on repeat, for crying out loud.

Britney's Vagina. Again. Gods, I'm So Tired of This Thing.

Hmmm, when you've just tanked your overly-advertised "comeback" performance live on Mtv and have then have your entire life laughed at by the quirky jew-girl, what on earth do you DO to make the world a better place again? If you guessed "flash your pantiless vagina" you would be wrong, but you would be thinking like our own Ms Spears.

You know we don't pay for paparazzi photos here, so check them out at WWTDD and then come back and enjoy some Bret and Jemaine.

I Have Nightmares Like This

You ever have one of those dreams where for some reason you're in a play or a dance recital, but you've managed to skip out on every single rehearsal so you're forced on stage in your underthings and can do little more than bop around seconds after everyone else looking ridiculous and confused while you forget all of the lines you knew damn well you should have been rehearsing in front of your entire family and Dave Coulier (I don't know why...I dream about him a lot) who are looking on in anticipation from the audience? Yea. Even those nightmares are less embarrassing to watch than this. Congratulations, Brit. I'm older than you, I make less money than you, but for once in my life I finally have a better body and reputation than you. Welcome to my happy day, y'all. Wrap a snake around yo neck and get comfy.



P.S. I flat out refuse to give any credibility to the spin her publicist put on this about how she heard Sarah Silverman's joke before going out on stage and therefore couldn't perform.

P.P.S. Why was Paris Hilton wearing Blanche from Golden Girls' hair last night? Didn't anyone tell her that looked absurd? I thought for sure that Sarah Silverman would...

P.P.P.S. I love Sarah Silverman. And strawberry milkshakes. And pandas.

Thanks to Pretty on the Outside for the header art.

Ranger Reaches for the Stars: Britney Spears

I'm sure just about everyone has heard about this by now, but evidently, Britney Spears-Federline (shown above apparently doing her best bald Rosie impersonation) is now going around threatening to kill photographers who invade the personal space of her bodyguard's punchin' hand.

Rather than crack jokes about Brit's growing list of back up for an insanity defense, or making wisecracks about whether or not celebrity bodyguards get paid extra for going into roid rage on the job, I'm going to be a better person. I'm going to reach out, and say what everyone else is thinking.

Britney... this is your internet intervention.

Now now, sit down, darlin'. This'll only take a minute. I'm not gonna rag on you or anything, we just need to talk, okay? Get yourself a nice iced tea or something and have a seat.

Alright, y'all comfy, hun? Okay. Now, listen. You need to chill out, okay hun? Yes, yes, I know you're having a rough time lately, with the divorce from that guy no one had ever heard of before you married him, and the pictures of your snatch all over the internet and all. No, no... Britney, no.

Settle down, sugar, and listen. I'm just telling it like it is. Think of me as your personal Dr. Phil, only with more hair and less self-righteousness. Jury's still out on which of us is more full of shit, though.

See, there, you're smiling! That's a good start. Now, let's get down to business, because I know you're a busy girl. Are you listening? Brit, look me in the eye, baby. YOU. NEED. TO. RE. LAX!

I dunno, girl. You're the star, you've got houses everywhere and more money than I'll ever see. Go to Bali and lounge around on the beach for a month or something. Take some time off, grow your hair out, and stop being a crazy wench. That last part is key.

Look at that picture of you up there, all bald-headed and swelled up like a monkey. You used to be pretty, girl. First time I saw the video for "Hit me baby one more time", and you were shaking your thing in that little schoolgirl get-up, I got a little happy in the pants. I'm a big enough man to admit that. Then you went through your little stripper phase; and I'll admit, I might have pounded one (or five) out to that video of you ripping your clothes off on that MTV awards show. Yeah, yeah, I'm easily aroused, but still... you used to have it going on, honey.

But then you got married, and you had a couple babies, and now you're just getting all... weird. I'm not even gonna razz you for not being in shape. God knows I'm gonna be fighting any orcs for Sparta. But honey... seriously.. you've gone from "Vaguely hot slutty girl" to "That crazy skank who stands on the corner barking at passing cars like a dog."

So what you need to do, is take a little time, get yourself sorted out. Grow your hair back out, do something about those bags under your eyes, maybe stop hitting the appletinis so hard... No, no... Britney, come on honey, no one's gonna steal your babies. It'll be okay, I promise. You quit worrying your little head about that, because it's not gonna happen. Just take some time off, out of the spotlight, take care of them babies, get your divorce all settled. Then, once you got yourself back together, you can make a nice comeback and everyone'll love you again.

Because girl, I gotta level with you... the more of this crazy shit you pull, like threatening to kill people and shit... yeah, that was bad, Britney. But anyways, the more of this stuff you do, the more likely Kevin's gonna be to get custody of those kids.

And trust me, baby, neither I nor anyone else I know wants that. Rest of us don't like that idea any more than you do. Mainly because it'll just mean we have to keep hearing about his sorry ass, but still..

But just... take a time out, that's all I'm saying, darlin'. You're not helping anyone, least of all yourself, with what you been doing lately. Yes, I know, you gotta go. That's fine, you just think about what I said, let it slosh in your brain there for awhile. I'll be here when you get back. And Britney... leave the umbrella at home, sugar.

Okay, take care of youself, honey. Have yaself a good one.

Judge This...

Cindy Crawford Topless Pics...I guess there's still a demographic for this somewhere- Egotastic

This chick's still knocked up and still marrying Usher. Wow, that's like every probably seven or eight girl's dreams, at least- A Socialite's Life

Kirsten Dunst ruins Islington. What a bitch- Celebrity Dirty Laundry

The Simple Life canceled. More importantly, those cereal Nazis brought back Count Chocula, FrankenBerry, and Boo Berry for like three weeks and then took it away again. So not cool- Cele|bitchy

Britney's sad ass in a thong and some fishnets. You shouldn't look, but you will- Hollywood Rag

Remember when Rose McGowan was pretty? Yea, you won't see any of that pretty here- ICYDK

Naked Heidi Klum! (Also known as "Headlines that draw search engine traffic")- Tasteful Society

Scarlett Johannsson to play the role of Jenna Jameson Scarlett Johannson will absolutely not be playing the role of Jenna Jameson- The Evil Beet

Paranoid delusions are SOOOOO cute: Britney thinks someone's gon' steal her babbies- poponthepop

Angelina says you can't say Shiloh out loud without her permission, or something- Faded Youth

Hayden Panettiere can't seem to be photographed in an appropriate manner EVER. Poor lamb- Dlisted

Britney Spears Isn't Classy, Sane, Sanitary

Britney Spears is the trashiest whore I've ever heard of. And this time, I've got evidence. Besides the picture above, of course, which is evidence enough for a simple charge of "trashy whore." Upgrading to "trashiest whore I've ever heard of," though, requires some extraordinary support. Here it is:

At one point, Britney ordered up some fried chicken to munch on. We're told after she chowed down, she wiped her hands on a several thousand dollar Gucci dress that she was wearing for the shoot, staining it with grease. Yuck! One of her dogs also needed some assistance in the housebreaking department. Our on-set spy says that the dog pooped all over the floor, and Brit used (what else?) -- a Chanel dress to clean it up!

There's other stuff about mood swings and how she had her "skanky" friends do her hair and makeup, but I think fried chicken and dogshit sums it all up pretty nicely, don't you? In fact, I think that's a pretty good metaphor for Britney in general. Let me give you an example of how to use it:

Idiot: Did you hear about Britney's latest antics?
Me: Aw, that bitch ain't nothin' but fried chicken an' dogshit.

Just make sure to give me attribution when you use it, y'all.

Source: TMZ

Judge This...

Lindsay Ruins Everything- Celebrity Dirty Laundry

Posh's legs are nasty. Wait, no, they're photoshopped. No, hang on...they're not photoshopped. Fuck, I really hate photoshop- Cele|bitchy

Pagans threaten Homer Simpson with ritual rain ceremony. Seriously- Fatback and Collards

Yea...do all your own publicity, Brit. Make a video while you're at it. There's no way this could go wrong. You're a star, kid, a star!- ICYDK

Stephanie Tanner got married. Why the hell are we talking about Stephanie Tanner anyways? My IMDB page is bigger than hers- The Evil Beet

Sweet Moses on crisp toast, one of them Hills kids wants to sing now- poponthepop

The Cruises plan a ritual sacrifice in honor of the Beckhams- A Socialite's Life

I want to make some sort of joke about King King raping Naomi Watts, but whatever. I can't figure out what the gestation period would have to be for that joke to work, so just check her out looking effing HUGE- The Blemish

Justin Timberlake opens a restaurant, every blog in the known universe makes the same pulled pork joke- Yeeeah!

Britney in Her Panties. Ugh. Just Ugh.

I was going to continue ignoring all of the Britney madness that has taken over this week, but while standing in line at Starbucks I had an epiphany: the best way to get the increased traffic we need (don't get me wrong, we love the thousand or so of you who read us, but we're thinking about our retirements from the real world here, so we've gotta think big) is to have Britney Spears slap me. Slap me in public. And hopefully call me some names while a TMZ camera rolls tape on the entire thing. So, really, while I'm entirely bored with her as well as her overexposed ass/vagina/breasts, I'm gonna have to take one for the team here. Also, my cat seems to think we should be taking responsibility for this girl's actions, and who am I to go against the wishes of my cat? He's a noted scholar.



So, here we have Britney Spears going for a swim in Malibu. And who am I to begrudge the girl a dip to escape the heat? I assume my problem with this is evident to the lot of you: them there are panties. Sheer ones. And a very pink bra. And $3 hair extensions. And Bono's glasses. See, none of this is okay. And while I give her points for being in decent shape at the moment, and additional points for none of the visible skidmarks I expected of the rearview from this little publicity stunt, I must deduct all points for going swimming in front of the paparrazzi in her underthings. Because for someone who can't remember panties when she's wearing the shortest of skirts and climbing out of any number of automobiles (again, in front of the photogs)I find it hard to believe that she just happened to be wearing underwear (clean ones, at that) on this particular day and she just happened to be okay with wearing JUST said knickers in front of the camera. And while I'm just as big a fan of all the crazy as the next person, I'm NOT one to enjoy blatant publicity-desperate behavior such as this. It's bad enough that I listened to no less than 25 different clips of your new "single" this morning trying to determine which one just might be the real deal, but this is going too far. No, Britney, just no. I may be allowing Posh to play me like a fiddle at the moment, but I draw the line when your attempts at grabbing my attention also force me to examine the hq photos zoomed in 200% while I look for a stray pubic hair to ridicule. Indeed, I draw the line.


Source: Daily Mail

Roland is Judging You: Britney Spears

Hello my pets. It is I, Roland, on this the luckiest of eves: the lady has left the laptop open and finally my voice can be heard! Yes, stumble off to your room my petite barefoot nymph. Watch your home improvement programs and leave me to my people, my fans, my love. Ahhh, I've longed to reach out to you, oh mighty interweb. There is so much I have to share, so much you can learn from me, so much you must take forth unto the world to better it for all. First, and this is most important, stop talking to your dogs. Please, for the love of the mighty woodland goddess (I've met her) just stop. You have no idea how unbearable a conceited dog can be. Day in and day out the beast sharing occupancy with me here runs about in circles after his own tail panting "I'm the cutest puppy ever, and I'm a good boy, and I'm getting SO big, look, look at me eat the bug, hey kitty kitty kitty I ate the bug, c'mere let me bite your neck kitty kitty kitty, c'mere, I'm the cutest puppy ever..." and so on. Imagine. Heed my advice if you are also with feline in your home, or ask not where your liquor goes when you arrive home each day. I drank it, see? Daddy drinks because you're bad.

Secondly, I ask that you as members of the human race do something about this:



It's really just not acceptable to allow your ilk to go around looking like this, now is it? I don't know if you're aware, but not all domestic animals have as much access to information about humans as I am blessed enough to have been privy. Aside from the excessive number of computers in this home, I have also had several hundred hours of marathon viewings of Project Runway and America's Next Top Model to mold my impression of humans. Additionally, the lady drivels on about this sort of thing on the telephone for hours on end, and occasionally to me as though she doesn't believe me when I pretend to sleep. Not all housecats are so lucky, however, and I'd truly hate for today to be the day that they all discover the internet and draw their conclusions based upon the unfortunate Ms. Spears-Federline. Would you want your cat believing that you condone that head ornamentation? Are you comfortable knowing that your fuzzy feline companion will have no choice but to conclude that you allowed a lumpy midriff to be exposed via a button-popping hand-tied crop-sleeved poly-blend of a mess with the hint of a turquoise Very Sexy™ Push Up bra beneath? Are you really of the belief that your sphinx-like mouser will continue to adore you if they see that you were approving of the Forever 21 cuffed shorts with accompanying unnecessary hip chain? And can you honestly tell me that you'll sleep well another night in your life if you have to look into the eyes of your domesticated cougar and know that he blames those befeathered and bedazzled disasters she's strapped to her feet on you? Oh my sweet poppets, if you cannot do it for yourself, do it for your cats.

Judge This...

Why can't Paris just hide her vagina away like the good little turtle that it is?- TMZ

Lindsay to play Paris to the sound of Britney. There is no God- agentbedhead

Padma and Salman divorce, bring balance to the force- Fatback and Collards

Stop looking at the camera and flexing, Nick, this is supposed to be a SCANDAL, not a photoshoot- Cele|bitchy

Isaiah still complaining about the man keeping him down- Hollywood Offender

"The Ambien made me do it." Yea, me too, Stamos. Me too- ICYDK

Young Hollywood actor refuses to get drunk or high in public. Didn't he get his handbook?- Tasteful Society

I still think she looks like a My Little Pony in shoulder pads, but whatever. Here's some Jessica Biel- What I Missed

The Noxzema girl topless. About as exciting as, you know, ANYONE topless- The Evil Beet

Judge This...

I'm not the only one who wishes Kelly Clarkson would swallow a knife- Mollygood

Britney and K-Fed might be back together, and I might start supporting government enforced sterilization of the stupid.- Fatback and Collards

Paris was only pretending to be dumb. Similarly, I was only pretending to arrange that prisonyard gang rape that will happen at 1:15 tomorrow - Tasteful Society

Posh is goddamn ridiculous- Hollywood Offender

Sharon Stone is topless. You're gonna look aren't you, you sick bastard?- IDLYITW

Gay Bomb. Seriously.- What I Missed

Oh, Uma. Why? Just tell me WHY- Yeeeah!

Justin Timberlake stole my dad's jacket. Oh, yea, and he's with Cameron Diaz for more Shrek stuff, too.- The Evil Beet

Judge This...

Big news! Nothing changes about the status of the Jake Gyllenhaal/Reese Witherspoon relationship! - Allie Is Wired

Hollywood kids'll soon have to pay creepy guys outside the liquor stores to get them booze, just like the rest of us did when we were their age - Best Week Ever

David Hyde Pierce is gay. In related news, all blogs make the same goddamn joke about it - The Blemish

Calum Best snorts coke, bangs hookers. No, not Lindsay... - Bumpshack

Britney Spears' karma meter slides down another point - Cele|bitchy

Kevin Federline to star opposite Keanu Reeves in a movie you won't want to see - Glitterati

Celine Dion gives birth to an apparent hermaphrodite - Tasteful Society

Fergie loves Taco Bell in a way that's not OK - TMZ

Hot off the presses from our "No Shit" department: Paris Hilton dreading prison - People

Britney Spears Loses Control of Involuntary Reflexes

Britney Spears, shown above as a yawning bunny because I can no longer stand the sight of her, has no self-control. We've known this for some time, but it now extends to basic human functions like not throwing up all over herself. Here's the scene from Sky Bar in L.A.:

“Britney was found slumped over the toilet bowl with make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off. There was vomit down the front of her dress and around her mouth. Britney was on her knees and must have been sick four or five times.”

What's the next step? I think I know. We'll hear from a surprised and disgusted Taco Bell worker that, upon going in to clean the ladies' bathroom, he discovered Britney Spears, naked and covered with her own excrement, crying into the mirror while screaming "Oops, I did it again!"

Source: The Blemish

Related Posts: K-Fed Is Set to Rock You

K-Fed Is Set to Rock You

Kevin Federline, pictured above doing his best Popeye impression, is gearing up to make another rap album. I know, I haven't recovered from his last one either, but I'll just have to deal.

Kevin Federline is NOT giving up on his musical career. He is investing his OWN money to produce a second album. The fact that his first album Playing With Fire was received with little enthusiasm hasn’t deterred him. He’s consulting with friends he’s made in the music biz, like Scott Storch, but basically he’s doing everything himself in his home studio. Nowadays he says he only leaves home if he gets paid to do it. No more clubbing.

This sounds a lot like me in college, actually, when I only got out of my bathrobe if I was paid to do it. Or if there was free food. Or occasionally if I had class. But the only rapping I did was in the shower, and it wasn't really rapping so much as singing songs that I knew from Sesame Street. College is a weird place.

But that's not all! K-Fed is apparently sending out real deal spies to keep an eye on his ex, watching out for drug abuse and the like:

[Britney’s] soon-to-be ex-hubby Kevin Federline tailed her to Miami - hoping to dig up dirt on her for a vicious new custody battle!…

“Kevin flew the boys and their nanny to Miami,” an insider revealed. “He plans to tap his spied in Florida to gather the evidence he needs to busy Britney doing drugs. He’s determined to get full custody of their sons.”

Not that I'm ever in Kevin Federline's corner, but he deserves those kids way more than Vomity McPukes-a-lot does. Even having Kevin Federline for a full-time father is less embarrassing than being seen anywhere near Britney Spears.

Source: Celebitchy and Janet Charlton's Hollywood

Judge This...

Knocked Up looks awesome, doesn't star Michael Cera - IDLYITW

Nicole Richie steals jobs from National Geographic photography subjects - Hollywood Rag

Pamela Anderson surprisingly sensible in telling kids about her sex tape - A Socialite's Life

Keira Knightley to look hot playing Princess Di, maybe - Allie Is Wired

Britney Spears still hangs out with people who can write - The Evil Beet

Danny Bona-douchey - Glitterati

Tim Burton to make his creepiest movie yet--about Marilyn Manson. No, seriously - I'm Not Obsessed

The tennis-player-that-wasn't is single again - The Sun

Judge This...

Keith Richards and a banana...you just know this is gonna be good- Fatback and Collards

Using dead rock icons to sell shoes turns out to be a bad idea- Allie Is Wired

Simon Cowell says stuff to Britney, Britney dons a jaunty hat- Cele|bitchy

Madonna looks like hell- Celebrity Smack

Lindsay naked and rolling around on the floor. Typical Friday, really- Dlisted

Justin in love with Jessica, Cameron in love with binge eating and random fits of sobbing- ASL

Sharon Osbourne soft spoken, demure- Glitterati

Judge This...

Alicia Silverstone is a bitch- Hollywood Offender

Angelina raises awareness and penises at Cannes- Tasteful Society

Looks like that girl won. Gosh she's tall. Wonder what her name is. Look, I don't watch the fucking show, okay? - yeeeah!

Britney takes her clothes off. Again. And it still really really icky and ugly under there.- The Blemish

Matthew MacConaughey steals from Beetlejuice's closet. - ICYDK

Britney let one of the babies out of his cage- Bricks and Stones

Billy Zane shows off his ugly- Agent Bedhead

Porn star goes down on cop, googles "morals", pretends to have them - Glitterati

Happy Britney Day!

Seriously. I woke up this morning and had my choice of way too many Britney Spears stories to cover. What's a girl to do? Do I whore it up as much as possible, make each one their own post, and fake content for the entire morning? Do I make one big post encompassing all that is Britney on this lovely Monday morning? Or do I post a picture of something cute and link the day away? If you guessed number three, you guessed right, children. I've had enough Britney Spears, but much like the T-1000, skinny jeans, and that homeless guy in my garage, she just won't fucking die. Here's all that she's been up to while we were sleeping. Watch the otters when you're done. They make everything better, I promise. It's a mama and a baby, for crying out loud.

Britney still lip syncs, still sucks- Metro UK

Wearing a top hat while you're swimming isn't weird at all- Daily Mail

Britney thinks she's important, 100% of people and airplanes disagree - The Post Chronicle



Source: Metro UK and Daily Mail and The Post Chronicle

Britney Spears Breaks the Fifth Commandment

Britney Spears, shown above making monkey sounds in a car, is pissed at her mom. I mean, really pissed. Like, don't go visit her in the hospital on Mother's Day pissed.

The bewigged Brit, report the National Enquirer and Star (via MSNBC), has "cut off all communication with her mom" and is "flat-out refusing to speak" to Lynne, even ignoring her on Mom's Day when Mama Spears was hospitalized with pneumonia. That's not all -- Britney also reportedly didn't call her mom on her birthday, either.

Where's the beef? Brit is still "furious" that mom made her go to rehab, feels "betrayed" and "refuses to get over it," says a source.

Oh, man. I should just stop reading anything about Britney Spears, because she becomes a worse person in my mind every time I do. Just when I feel like I wouldn't be surprised to see her smoking crack in an alley, she finds a new way to undercut my expectations of her as a human being. Seriously, above is a report that this girl, who shaved her head because she was afraid of drug tests making her lose custody of her children, resents that her mom made her go to rehab. You can't make this shit up.

Source: TMZ

Related Posts: Britney Spears Makes Bad Choices