O.J. is NOT good for you.

This isn't really "celebrity gossip" as much as "breaking has-been news", but what the hell; everyone else is talking about it:

O.J. Simpson* will be in court today, charged with kidnapping, armed robbery, and assault with a deadly weapon. This is just a prelim, but if the Juice gets found guilty on all charges, he could serve life in prison.

Oh my goodness.

The whole thing started in Vegas on Thursday, when someone informed America's least favorite Simpson (next to Jessica and Ashlee's dad) that someone had some OJ collectibles for sale. OJ took this to mean someone was selling his stolen property, rounded up his peeps, and slammed the guys in question with some good old fashioned black rage.

(That's Ranheru VanZant- going for the racially insensative joke since at least 1986, but probably even longer, ladies and gentlemen.)

But anyways, OJ and his boys showed up, talked some smack, then fled from the scene with the re-stolen goods stuffed into pillowcases and bedsheets. To make it all even better, the victims of this ordeal just happened to have a tape recorder going during the spin and raree.

Oh.. my.. goodness.

Due to the tape recording, some people are already speculating that OJ was set up (again?). Intrepid douche bags and Wal-Mart to DJM's "Family Hardware", TMZ.com, posted a copy of this tape at 10 eastern last night. Now I've only heard a short snippet of the tape, but I have to say... even if this is a crime involving OJ, something about the tape does sound shady.

To start with, OJ, apparently, was only capable of saying "You think you can steal my s**t?" about 20 million times. I would think a guy who was in "The Naked Gun" could be a little more clever. But what really made me go "Hmm, nothin a'tall fishy bout dat, nosiree" was what one of the victims said near the end:

I'm going to call the police and tell them we were just robbed at gunpoint by OJ Simpson"

That was the line that REALLY got my attention. Read that again and think about it for a moment. Hell, go over to TMZ and listen to the tape, if you want. Then come back, and think for a moment, then tell me: Does it sound like the guy is saying "I'm calling the cops, we just got robbed by OJ!" or does it sound like he's saying "I'm gonna tell the cops OJ pulled a gun on us. *wink wink nudge nudge*"?

Meanwhile, Fred Goldman is running around with his hand out like a hobo in the wishing fountain, demanding that the objects the dispute occurred over be given to him immediately, because he apparently owns anything OJ ever looked at. I just wanted to slide that in, because the way the guy chases OJ around like a pissy ex-wife annoys me. I'm serious, OJ could pick up a penny off the sidewalk, and there'd be a cloud of sulfur erupting in front of him. And when it cleared, Goldman and his dozen lawyers would be standing there looking like a commercial for an accounting firm at tax time.**

Anyways, yeah, something about this deal stinks worse than Nicole Brown's corpse after three days in the summer sun. The fact that these guys just happened to be wired when OJ's boys kicked down the door like Sigourney Weaver saving an orphaned colonist just doesn't sit quite right. Guess we'll just have to stay tuned to how this trial of the century turns out, won't we?

But hey, it's OJ. That makes the question not "Is he guilty?", but "Who cares?"

Oh, one more thing: did I mention that one of the victims apparently died of a heart attack a few days after sustaining a vicious barrage of not-very-nice shouting? No? Well, that's what I heard on the news.

Oh noez! The Brentwood Slasher strikes again!

OH

MY

GOODNESS!

*- And isn't that just the perfect picture of Le Jus up there?

**- And before I get more whiny, barely literate hate comments: Yes, I know Goldman's son was murdered. Yes, I know the family won a wrongful death lawsuit again Simpson. But when you're on national TV demanding someone's old junk mail, you might be going beyond the grounds of good sense just a tiny bit.